


Coming Home

by maxthetransguy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jeremy Heere's Squip Takes Control of Jeremy Heere, M/M, Post-Squip Rich Goranski, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rich Goranski Has a Crush on Michael Mell, Soft Rich Goranski, This is really dark, always be aware of autocorrect, dark jeremy heere, did i say flecked?, gets fluffy?, i am trash, i just didnt feel like writing it out, no i meant fucked, rich goranski has a lisp, sorry guys that's just my autocorrect, this is flecked up, you can't hate me more than i hate myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 00:00:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 26,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19841278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxthetransguy/pseuds/maxthetransguy
Summary: At Jake's Halloween party, the SQUIP does something Michael does not expect. Follow his journey as he tries to heal and find friendship and love after his world comes crashing down. (Trigger warnings galore which will be in the notes before each chapter.)





	1. Dreams are better than reality

**Author's Note:**

> So to start this off! ANGST! Begins right before Michael in the Bathroom would be. Everything that happened prior is mostly canon. But this completely veers off. TRIGGER WARNING: Rape/Non-Con in this chapter!

“Move it,” Jeremy hisses.  
“Or you’ll what?” I retort.  
Jeremy glares at me for a moment, before he starts laughing. When he looks at me again, something is wrong. His eyes are cold and lifeless.  
“I see what’s going on,” he says with a sneer.  
“Let me guess, I’m talking to the Squip?” I say.  
“Yep! And wow, I feel stupid for not noticing before,” Jeremy’s Squip says.  
“Noticing what?” I manage to ask.  
“If I give you what I want, will you leave Jeremy alone? He doesn’t want to talk to you. He doesn’t want to hang out with you. You are only a LOSER.”  
“That’s only true because you’ve brainwashed him,” I spit.  
“It’s the only way for him to achieve his dreams. But I feel bad for you Michael, so for once, I’ll give you what you want.”  
“What are you talking about?”  
Then Jeremy’s lips are on mine as he slams me against the bathroom door. Jeremy Heere, my crush since seventh grade, is kissing me. I almost give in, but this isn’t Jeremy. It’s the Squip. I try to push him away but he presses harder. I turn my head, disconnecting our lips.  
“S-stop!” I plead.  
Jeremy/Squip just chuckles and starts trailing his lips down my neck. He suddenly bites my neck and I cry out.  
“Oh, Michael, little, gay Michael. Pining after his best friend of twelve years. He will never love you back. But now you have him. For a moment at least. Might as well relax. Enjoy it,” the Squip purrs.  
“You’re not Jeremy. Leave me alone,” I snarl, sounding braver than I feel.  
“I may not be Jeremy, but I’m in his body. And Jeremy is going to have you. So get comfortable.”  
“Don’t do this,” I beg, as he once more starts to suck on my neck.  
The Squip turns me around so I’m facing the door. He yanks my pants down, and I cry out and try to get away. He’s too strong. I hear a bottle open, and my efforts to get away increase. A cold, lubed finger penetrates my hole. I cry out as he moves it around.  
“Don’t!” I yell.  
“Be quiet, or I’ll take you dry without preparation. That will be much worse, trust me,” the Squip warns.  
I bite down on my hand as he adds another finger. Then another. Once he feels I’m ready, he enters me without warning. I clench my teeth around my hand, breaking the skin and causing the blood to drip. My best friend pounds ruthlessly into me, murmuring insults, and degrading me. I try not to listen, but his words strike me.  
“I know you’re secretly enjoying this you slut. You’re so desperate for Jeremy’s cock that you don’t even care that I’m in control. I know you love this, so stop pretending you don’t.” I know Jeremy would never actually be this cruel, but that voice is his and I can’t help but believe that he is partially in control. This isn’t just the Squip hurting me.  
After what seems like an eternity, he comes in my hole, filling me up.  
He backs away from me, causing me to slump to the floor. I don’t look at him. I can’t.  
The Squip kicks me away from the door and opens it. Before he leaves however, he says one last thing. “You’ve gotten what you wanted. Now stay away from me, LOSER.”  
The door slams behind him as he leaves. I don’t bother cleaning up. I simply pull on my pants again, sit there, and sob. My best friend of twelve years, my crush of five, just raped me. It might have been the Squip, but it was his body. He let the Squip do that.  
I don’t know how long I was stuck in there sobbing, but suddenly, I hear screaming. The screams are accompanied by the smell of smoke.  
“RICH SET A FIRE!” someone cries.  
I smile grimly through my tears. Good. Now, I don’t have to live through this pain.  
The door flies open suddenly. Jake Dillinger is there, panic in his eyes.  
“I knew someone was in here! Hurry, we need to get out!” Jake yells.  
I shake my head and curl into a ball on the floor. Suddenly, his arms are around me and he’s scooping me up and he’s running to the door. I scream. I can’t breathe. His arms are too tight around me. I struggle, trying to fight back, but he refuses to loosen his grip.  
“We have to jump out the window,” Jake says.  
“LET ME DIE!” I scream. “I JUST WANT TO DIE!”  
Jake lets out a strangled sound, but ignores me. I feel a rush of air. My eyes squeeze tight as I realize what has happened. He jumped out the window. I hear loud cracks and Jake’s pained howls before I black out.


	2. Jake Fucking Dillinger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: panic attacks and suicidal thoughts -ish  
> this is Michael waking up in the hospital.

I wake up to two sources of steady beeping. I don’t even need to open my eyes to know I am in a hospital. I open them anyway. someone is in the hospital bed next to mine, playing on his phone. He glances at me, then straightens up when he realizes I’m awake.  
“Dude! You’re okay!” he cheers, turning his phone off.  
I fumble for my glasses on the table next to the cot. I put them on to see my roommate. Great. Jake fucking Dillinger.  
“Why do you care?” I snap. “I’m just a loser.”  
“I saved your life and this is how you thank me?” he says with a teasing lilt in his voice.  
“I…” I trail off, unsure what to say.  
He suddenly looks uncomfortable. “I… remember what you said, before I jumped.”  
I try to remember what I said that was so incriminating. I can’t remember anything after Jeremy left me. After he raped me.  
I cringe at the thought. “I don’t remember what happened at all,” I admit. “Literally nothing involving you.”  
“Rich started a fire. I knew someone was in the bathroom. I went in to help. You were freaking out, you didn’t want me anywhere near you, but I couldn’t leave you. I carried you out. You fought me tooth and nail. Left some bruises and cuts, I might add.”  
“Sorry,” I reply with a grimace.  
“It’s fine. Don’t worry. You still don’t remember?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Well… the only way to get out was by jumping out the second story window. You… Jesus Christ this is hard to say.”  
“Spit it out,” I grumble, getting more and more uncomfortable.  
“You told me to let you die and that you want to die.”  
“Well shit.”  
Jake looks at me with concerned eyes that I can’t bring myself to meet. “What the hell happened at my party that made you want to die? Or was it something that happened before the party? Just… tell me what happened dude.”  
“You know Jeremy?” I reluctantly ask.  
“Heere? Yeah, I know him. Little douchebag was having sex with my ex girlfriend at my party in my parents’ bedroom.”  
“He also had sex with someone else in your bathroom,” I say before I could stop myself.  
“What? Are you saying he had sex with you?” Jake demands, looking as though he doesn’t know if he should hate me or pity me.  
“He’s been my best friend for a long time, and my crush for almost half of that time. But recently… he hasn’t been… himself. He’s been ignoring me. Last night, I wanted to try to talk some sense into him. He didn’t listen.” I can’t stop the tears. I can’t stop the words. I’m sobbing as the best friend of my most relentless bully watches me in concern. Why the hell am I telling Jake Dillinger this? “HE DIDN’T LISTEN!” I sob. “I TOLD HIM NO! I DIDN’T WANT THAT!”  
Jake puts two and two together. “He raped you? He fucking raped you?!” Jake yells.  
The heart monitor is going out of control. A nurse rushes in and is immediately at my side. I thrashed around as she tried to calm me down.  
“Don’t touch him!” I can distantly hear Jake snap. “He’s hurt! Don’t touch him!”  
“Calm down, sir.” Then there is a pinch in my arm, and I am left in darkness.

I wake up who knows how much later. I hear low voices arguing, so I keep my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep.  
“He won’t want to see you. He’s gone through so much. He probably would’ve died at my party if I hadn’t got to him. But trust me, he fought me when I was carrying him out. He wanted to stay and die,” Jake snarls.  
“You don’t understand. Just let me talk to him,” the other voice replies. “Please let me see Michael.”  
Jeremy.  
I don’t open my eyes. I can’t bear to see Jeremy. So with my eyes still shut, I speak, “Michael cannot be reached at the moment. Please leave a message at the beep, or, oh I don’t know, fuck off.” I pause. “Beep.”  
“Michael!” Jeremy cries. “Are you okay?”  
“He just told you to leave. Get out,” Jake snaps.  
“Since when are you two friends? We’ve been best friends for years.”  
“You really consider yourself to be his best friend?! You’re a fucking psychopath!” Jake yells.  
“Jake, stop. I don’t need this right now,” I groan, reaching for my aching head with eyes still closed.  
“Michael, please look at me,” Jeremy begs.  
“Any complaints can be filed with the head of the HR department, Jake Dillinger,” I say flatly.  
Jake coughs back a laugh.  
“Michael,” Jeremy pleads.  
“Jake, can you kick him out?” I say.  
“Micah, please.”  
I flinch as if I’ve been slapped at the nickname.  
“Well, I can’t really kick, but yeah. Get the hell out, Heere,”Jake says.  
“Micah, I just need you to know…. It’s gone. I got rid of it,” Jeremy says.  
I let out a surprised yelp, but still refuse to open my eyes. If anything, my eyes clench shut more tightly.  
Jeremy sighs.  
There is a pause before Jake says, “He’s gone.”  
I open my eyes and reach for my glasses, putting them on before looking at Jake. He is sitting in a wheelchair, looking at me in concern. Both of his legs are in casts.  
“Wait what happened to your legs?” I ask.  
“I jumped out of the second floor window and broke your fall. You honestly didn’t realize before?” Jake laughs.  
“You were in bed before with a blanket on. Sorry for not noticing,” I scoff. I pause. Quietly, I add, “Thank you for that. You didn’t have to.”  
“Hey, what he did was not cool. Besides, what are friends for?”  
I choke on air. “We’re friends? Like, YOU the popular Jake Dillinger and the loser, stoner, geek Michael Mell are friends?”  
“If you’re willing to give an asshole like myself a chance.”  
“O-okay.”  
“Are you okay? He raped you, then had the audacity to come visit you after abandoning you like that!”  
I let out a shaky breath. “I’m fine. I just need to never look at him or talk to him or anything ever again.”  
“You should tell someone. I mean, besides me. Like an adult.”  
“NO!” I yell. I quiet down. “I can’t. He hurt me, but it wasn’t… you don’t understand.”  
“What don’t I understand? He might have been your best friend, but rape is illegal!” Jake protests.  
“Please stop saying that word,” I beg.  
“Ah shit, man, I’m sorry.”  
“It’s fine. But I can’t tell. It wasn’t him.”  
“I know you want to think that the old Jeremy is in there, and maybe he is, but… doing that to you is unacceptable.”  
“No. It’s just… it actually wasn’t him. He wasn’t in control!”  
“... Like split personality or something?”  
I let out an aggravated sigh. “Kinda. Can we not talk about this right now?”  
“Sorry. Yeah. By the way, you’ve gotten a few visitors while you were out. You’re moms came. So did Christine. Jeremy’s dad showed up once, as well as a few guys who all left you cards. They said you play Warcraft with them.”  
“Wait, my Warcraft friends came? Who told them I was in the hospital?”  
“Well it’s popular news around school,” Jake pointed out.  
“No, they don’t go to our school. Hell, most of them don’t even live in New Jersey. How long have I been out? What’s the date?”  
“Well you’ve only been out for like, 24ish hours since you were sedated, but the Halloween Party was like, almost two weeks ago.”  
“TWO WEEKS?” I yelp.  
“Yeah, you were in really bad shape. You were unconscious for a while. They sedated you more so you wouldn’t wake up during surgery.”  
“Surgery?”  
“Yeah, man your skull was fractured.”  
“Holy shit! Wow. No wonder my head hurts so much. Jesus Christ.”  
“Seriously dude, are you okay?” Jake asks.  
“I don’t think I ever will be,” I admit quietly.  
“Knock-knock,” a nervous voice says from the doorway.  
I look up to see Rich Goranski leaning on the doorframe, watching me anxiously. His skin is blotchy and red, and he has quite a few bandages wrapped around his arms and one around his neck. I knew Rich started the fire, I just didn’t realize how much he hurt himself by doing so. What does he want? And why is he staring at me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it good yet?? 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	3. One Player Game Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentioned past rape, mentioned past suicide  
> Rich has a lisp, but since I'm a lazy mofo, it's implied and not written.

“Rich!” Jake cheers.  
Rich smiles at Jake briefly before walking towards me and sitting in the chair next to my bed.  
“Um… hi?” I say.  
“Jesus Christ, you look like shit,” Rich says, letting out a pained laugh. He sounds funny, like he’s speaking through cotton.  
“Like you look better,” I scoff, looking away. I’m not sure how to react. I fucking despise Rich Goranski. After bullying me and Jeremy for all of Sophomore year and for the first month in Junior year, he is pretty high on my fantasy hit-list. Probably number one now, since he was the one who gave Jeremy the Squip. I cringe even thinking of that damn computer.  
“Shit. I can tell you’re uncomfortable. If you want me to leave I will, but I want to talk to you, if you’re up to it,” Rich says.  
“Um… go ahead I guess,” I say reluctantly.  
“Cool. If it gets to be too much, just tell me to shut up, or smack me or something, and I’ll leave.” There is a pause, then Rich takes a deep breath. Cotton is still there.  
“Do you want me to leave, for a moment?” Jake asks.  
I look at Jake quickly, panic flooding through me. “NO!” I cringe after shouting that, realizing how needy I sound. “I just… need a friend, I guess?” I try to recover.  
“I’m glad you think of me as a friend,” Jake says smiling. “I’ll stay. And who knows, maybe Rich will be your friend too!”  
I look at Rich in surprise and he shrugs, smiling timidly. Rich, timid? Who knew?  
“Before you say whatever you’re going to say… if I can ask, are you guys, like, still friends? I mean, not to be rude, he burned your house down,” I point out, looking at Jake.  
Rich lets out a nervous chuckle. “I’m in agreement, but Jake-y is just too good for me. He has forgiven me for whatever reason.”  
“Rich, stop putting yourself down,” Jake insists.  
“I’m just so used to it.”  
At that moment, I realize what’s off about Rich’s speech. “You’re lisping. Since when do you have a lisp?” I ask.  
Rich turns red. Jake looks at him too, obviously expecting an answer.  
“Fuck, dude. You don’t have to make me feel bad about myself by pointing it out,” Rich mumbles. He glances at Jake warily before speaking up again. “Michael, what I want to tell you is kinda private. Are you okay with Jake staying right outside the room? If you need anything you can just shout for him.”  
Rich gives me a pleading look, while Jake looks confused and pissed off. I nod reluctantly. Jake sighs, but wheels out of the room, the door swinging shut behind him.  
“He doesn’t know about the Squip. I don’t want him to know about it. Not yet anyway. He’ll hate me and I can’t deal with that. Fuck. I really like him and I don’t want to screw up what little chance I possibly have with him,” Rich whispers.  
“Wait. Like romantically?” I trail off.  
“Don’t start with that homophobic mumbo jumbo. I’m bi and proud and no hate can change that about me.”  
“Dude. I’m gay. So it would be a little out of line for me to say anything.”  
“Wait. Really? No. Nevermind. I am not here to talk about sexuality. Or Jake. Well, kinda Jake. But not about crushing on him. Dude. Listen. Jake told me about what… Jeremy did to you at the party. About you wanting to… stay and end it all. I haven’t talked to Jeremy. I don’t want to. Just… the Squip is hard to fight. It could possess us. It would shock us if we did something it didn’t like. If we didn’t act correctly. Every Time my lisp was noticeable, I was punished. Soon I talked normally.”  
“You’re saying this like it’s all past tense. J-Jere… HE came to visit before you, and he said it was gone. You got rid of it too?” I ask.  
“The Squip operated through a hive mind. Once Jeremy drank the Mountain Dew Red, all our Squips were destroyed,” Rich says. “His, mine, Jenna’s, Chloe’s, Brooke’s, Christine’s, all of them. Gone.”  
“Wait wait wait. How many people got Squipped? What the fuck did I miss?”  
“The Squip took over a good percentage of the Junior Class. You and Jake lucked out, being here. But they are all gone. No more Squips in the school, at least,” Rich explains.  
“What the actual fuck! This is insane!” I yell. Remembering Jake is outside, I lower my voice, “Why are you keeping Jake in the dark? When he gets back to school, people will be talking about it, won’t they? He’ll know.”  
“Well, I’m going to tell him before he gets back, but I want this little moment of… peace, I guess, to last.”  
I think over what Rich said. Then something clicks. “Hold the fuck up. You just said the Squip possessed you and punished you and all that. Are you trying to excuse that he r- that he did that? I know it wasn’t him, but if you’re saying I talk to him or whatever, I really can’t. I’ve been in love with him for FIVE YEARS and that off brand Siri used that against me to hurt me. He was the one to take that damn pill. He was the one who blocked me out. And it might not have been him mentally, but he was the one who physically did that! I can’t face that anytime soon.”  
“No. That’s not what I was going for. Listen, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I need to say this or it could end up really hurting you if you ever go back to him. The Squip could control us, yes, but it was possible to fight back. I’m sorry, but Jeremy is just as guilty as the Squip. He could’ve stopped it. I mean, did it seem like he was struggling?”  
“No. It didn’t,” I admit.  
“He was aware of what he was doing. He let it happen. I’m sorry, Michael, but he was willing to give control to the Squip. He knew what it was doing and he let it do that to you anyway.”  
“Why are you telling me this?” I ask through gritted teeth.  
“Michael, if Jeremy was okay with letting that happen, he’s dangerous. And I would be distraught if you ended up hanging out with him again, thinking it wasn’t his fault. He really hurt you and could hurt you again. Jake and I have your back, though. We’ll make sure he doesn’t touch you.”  
“Why would you two help someone like me. Last time I checked, we are on opposite sides of the popularity spectrum,” I point out.  
“Who fucking cares about popularity? ...Don’t answer that. Besides, this is my fault. I am the one who told Jeremy to get a Squip. He hurt you because of it. By the way, you told me he blocked you out. We’re revisiting that.” Rich shook his head before continuing, “It’s my fault that this happened to you. I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life because I made the mistake to take that damn thing Freshman year. As for Jake, he had a sister who was raped and ended up killing herself from the trauma. Guy got away with it. Jake can’t stand to see that happen to anyone else. He’s a good guy. He cares a lot. And he genuinely wants to be your friend and make things right. We both do.”  
“I… God I didn’t know. I’ve been freaking out over my own problems, and I didn’t even think to ask how Jake is. He’s been trying to take care of me while he has his own shit to think about. Fuck, this must be so hard on him,” I mumble.  
“That’s the other reason. Michael, you have a huge heart. You really care about other people. You want to put other people before yourself. You are an amazing person. You should know that,” Rich says with a smile.  
“Jesus, this is much more intense and much deeper than a conversation I expected from the Great Rich Goranski,” I chuckle.  
“The Great Rich Goranski, I like the sound of that,” Rich replies, flexing his muscles.  
I break out into laughter, it kind of hurts to laugh, but it feels really good at the same time.  
“You are ridiculous,” I manage to say between snorts.  
“And Great,” Rich adds. “But I did say we would revisit the fact that he blocked you out. What did you mean by that?”  
My laughter stops abruptly, and Rich looks apologetic, but determined.  
“After he got the Squip, he started ignoring me. It wasn’t like he was ignoring me though, he just didn’t see me. He couldn’t process me, I guess. So, he finally saw me and I was… confused to say the least. I realized that the Squip must’ve worked so I told him we had to celebrate, and he… kinda sat there for a moment, like he was sorting things out. Then he said, ‘optic nerve blocking: on’ and it was like I wasn’t there anymore. I put two and two together. He chose to lock me out of his life. Out of sight out of mind.” I let out a dry laugh that ends up turning into a cough.  
“Can I hug you? If it’s too much, or if it’s too soon, I totally understand, you just seem like you need a hug.”  
I nod, trying to be nonchalant, but inwardly, I’m craving the comfort. I’m craving human contact without malicious intent. Without aggression.  
Rich wraps his arms around me and holds me against his chest. A sob rips its way out of my throat and I throw my arms around him in return. I cry into his shirt, soaking it with tears, but he doesn’t seem to mind, which makes me cry even harder.  
The door opens, but I ignore it.  
“Michael, are you okay?!”  
He’s back.  
I tighten my arms around Rich and refuse to look up even as Rich stiffens. I try to stop crying, but I can’t, and now since Jeremy is here, I am hyperventilating.  
“Rich! He’s freaking out! Can’t you tell! Give him space!” Jeremy yells.  
Rich is shoved and I let out a yelp as he moves away from me to face down Jeremy. I curl up on my hospital bed, shaking and sobbing.  
“Get out of here,” Rich snarls.  
“Fucking make me!” Jeremy spits back.  
“Where is Jake? What did you do to him?” Rich demands.  
“You think I hurt Jake? Why would I do that? I didn’t see him!”  
A hand touches my shoulder and I grab it, thinking it’s Rich. When I open my eyes, however, I see it’s Jeremy’s and I scream and yank back.  
“Don’t touch him!” Rich yells.  
Rich rushes towards us, trying to get in between us, but Jeremy punches and Rich goes down. Then Jeremy turns to me. I shrink away.  
“D-don’t. Please!” I sob.  
“Micah?”  
That fucking nickname again. I let out a screech as he reaches for me again.  
He pauses, but doesn’t pull back. He just leaves his hand halfway towards me, like he’s hoping I’ll reach back. I curl into myself more.  
“P-p-p-please,” I whimper.  
“Micah, why are you so scared of me? What happened? What did the Squip make me do to you?” Jeremy asks softly.  
The door opens once more, and Jake stares at the scene in shock for a brief second before leaping to action. Well, more like hobbling. Jake is no longer in a wheelchair, instead using crutches to support himself. That must be why he wasn’t there to stop Jeremy. Anyway, Jake is over in a heartbeat, using a crutch to sweep Jeremy’s legs, then using it to pin him down.  
“Stay the fuck away from him, Heere,” Jake growls, and in that moment, I am terrified of Jake, and I am so fucking glad he’s on my side.  
“What the fuck did I do? Why do you all hate me?” Jeremy cries.  
“You’re kidding me right now!” Jake snarls, but he pauses. “Wait… you do have a split personality don’t you? Michael did mention that…. You really don’t remember what you did?”  
“No fucking clue!” Jeremy yells, looking at me with wide eyes.  
I look away quickly. Trying to calm my breathing.  
“It doesn’t matter. You need to leave. Just, get out,” Jake eventually sighs, moving his crutch so Jeremy can make his escape.  
Jeremy doesn’t leave. “It matters to me. What did I do to him?”  
“You fucking raped me!” I scream. “Happy? You took my virginity in the bathroom! Then you left me, told me to get out of your life. To never talk to you again! You called me a loser and left me there on the floor, exposed, miserable, traumatised, and suicidal! I wanted to stay in that fire and die! Jake wouldn’t let me!”  
The room goes silent. Jake hobbles over to me and awkwardly sits on the bed next to me. He reaches a hand towards me, but hesitates. I curl up into his side, staring at my shaking hands as he wraps an arm around me.  
“God, Micah, I didn’t-”  
“You should leave, Heere. He doesn’t want to see you,” Jake says softly, but his words are filled with unsaid threats.  
“I can’t just leave him! I’m his best friend!”  
“Were. You were my best friend,” I mumble into Jake’s side.  
I can tell Jeremy heard me by his gasp.  
“But… Michael, you’re my Player One. I didn’t realize… Jesus Christ, Michael, I didn’t… I didn’t…”  
A cough on the floor reminds me of Rich. I jolt up and look at him in concern.  
“Rich, are you okay?” I ask.  
“Fuck. What are his fists made out of? Cement? Goddamn,” Rich groans, sitting up. He notices Jeremy and instantly his expression molds into one of pure fury. “Get the fuck out.”  
“I get why you hate me now, and I’m sorry. I didn’t know! I would never-”  
“We know that is bullshit, Heere. You were completely aware of what was happening. You could’ve stopped it, or at least stall to let Michael escape. But no. You wanted that, didn’t you?”  
“I honestly didn’t-”  
Rich interrupts Jeremy again. “It was powerful, but not that powerful. There is no way it took over and you ‘didn’t know.’”  
I don’t realize I’m shaking until Jake puts his hand on my shoulder and whispers, “Steady.”  
I lean into his warmth. I didn’t think that this would make me touch starved, but it really did. Rich and Jeremy are still arguing, but I can’t focus on the words. It’s too much. I can’t be around him. God it hurts too much. Jeremy says he doesn’t remember what happened, but Rich said the Squip isn’t wasn’t strong enough to take control like that. Jeremy had to have had a part in that, if Rich is right. But my Jeremy would’ve fought back. NO. He is NOT my Jeremy. He’s a monster. He went along with the Squip’s decision to… do what he did. And now he’s lying and saying he had no idea he did that. Unless Rich is wrong. But what would Rich gain from lying? Nothing.  
A hand grabs mine and I’m snapped back into reality. Rich is trying to yank Jeremy back, and Jake tries to pull me away from Jeremy, but his grip on my hand is firm and strong.  
I am frozen in fear.  
“Michael, God, Micah believe me I would never hurt you!” Jeremy pleads.  
Snapping out of my terror, I lunge down and bite his hand until he lets go of me with a soft curse.  
“You are hurting me by being here,” I whisper with a deadly calm. I show him my hand, where the scar of my own bite is still there. “I bit myself until I bled because you threatened me so I would stay quiet while you fucked me. Every second you’re near me, I can’t think of anything else but you forcing me to be quiet as you had your way with me. As you played my heart. It knew. And it used that against me.”  
“Knew what?” Jeremy asks, face pale, eyes wide.  
I turn pleading eyes to Jake, the sudden courage gone.  
“You want me to tell him?” Jake murmurs. I nod. He sighs before glaring at Jeremy. “He’s had a crush on you for a long time. He said for almost half the time you’ve been friends.”  
“Jesus Christ. It knew you had a crush on me and used that?” Jeremy whispers.  
“Crush is an understatement. I was in love with you,” I choke out, still looking at Jake. Jake is a comfort for me. Jake isn’t going to hurt me.  
“You’re in love with me?” Jeremy murmurs.  
“Didn’t you hear the past tense?” I retort.  
“That wasn’t me. You have to know I would NEVER mess with your heart like that. You have to believe me, Micah.”  
“Stop calling me that!” I snap. Jake watches Jeremy as I watch him. He looks murderous. I tug his sleeve and his face softens and he turns to me. “Make him leave,” I beg.  
Rich grabs Jeremy’s arm. “You heard him. Time to get the fuck out of here,” he says gruffly.  
“It’s an eff’ed up world but it’s a two player game,” Jeremy sings softly.  
I tense, but my eyes don’t leave Jake’s face. Rich swears and continues to try and drag Jeremy away, but Jeremy won’t give up.  
“High school is whack, but we have each others’ backs,” Jeremy sings a bit more. Tears threaten to spill over, and then he tries again. “You know that you are my favorite person, that doesn’t mean that I can’t still dream,” he pauses, waiting for my response. It doesn’t come. He just continues, “we’re never not gonna be a team.” Another pause. “High school is shit and you gotta help me conquer it. It’s just what we do, we make it a two player game.”  
The rubber band holding me together snaps. I stand up and slowly walk towards him. Rich and Jake look on in nervous shock but don’t move to stop me. Jeremy smiles, timid and soft.  
“Fuck. You. Jeremiah. Heere.”  
His smile falls. “Micah, just-”  
“I SAID DON’T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!” I roar.  
I swing at him. It causes him to stumble back. I swing again. Again. He grabs my wrist as I try to swing a fourth time. I try my other arm, but he grabs that wrist too. This was a bad idea. I feel trapped. Confined. I’m back in that God forsaken bathroom with Jeremy pushing into me. I scream and shake and struggle. ABORT ABORT. He won’t let go of me! Rich and Jake pull his fingers off my wrists, but I can still feel the ghost of his touch. My wrists ache and I can tell they’re going to bruise. I collapse on the floor, sobs racking through my body. Jake’s arms wrap around my trembling body as Rich and Jeremy struggle.  
“Listen, Michael, you need to help me. I can’t lift you with my legs. I need you to stand, okay, and I’ll help you into bed,” Jake murmurs.  
“Why is he still here? He needs to leave.” I sob.  
“He will leave, I promise. I’ll kick him out as soon as you get into bed okay?”  
I nod shakily, struggling to get on my feet. He helps me into bed, then uses his crutches to make his way towards where Jeremy and Rich are struggling.  
The door opens and the two of them step away from each other as a nurse walks in.  
“Visiting hours are ending boys. If you’re not Jake Dillinger or Michael Mell, you need to leave,” the nurse says in a cheery voice, not noticing my tear-stained face or the red faces of Jeremy and Rich.  
Jeremy looks at me pleadingly, but I look away. I hear his footsteps fade away.  
“Text me or call me if you need anything. But get some sleep. I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Rich says with false cheer.  
“Thanks,” I mutter.  
Rich leaves, and Jake hobbles back to his bed. He sets his crutches aside and the nurse helps him into his bed.  
“Now, Michael,” the nurse says, turning to me. “I’m Heidi. I’m your nurse. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to actually meet you, but you’ve been out quite a lot. Your moms are very worried about you. They will be coming tomorrow. I know you only woke up yesterday, even though it was quite brief, you will be discharged on Friday. Today is Tuesday.”  
“Okay.”  
“Now, I want you to tell me which one of those boys was giving you trouble. I can keep them both out of this room if you want me to. Jake seems like a nice young man, but if it had anything to do with him, I can change your room.”  
“NO!” I shout. I lower my voice, embarrassed. “Jake has been helping me. And Rich is good too. It’s the other one. The taller one. I don’t want him to come back.”  
“Okie-dokie. Shortie can come back, the tall one can’t,” Heidi says softly.  
“Don’t let Rich hear you call him that,” Jake jokes.  
A shy giggle escapes me, but once Jake lets out this obnoxious guffaw, I dissolve into snorts of laughter, imagining Rich getting mad at Heidi.  
Heidi lets out a small laugh too, shaking her head at our amusement.  
“Get some rest, boys. If you need anything, there is a call button right there,” she says, pointing. “Anything. Even if you just need some company or need to talk to someone. Speaking of, Michael, your mother wanted me to give you this when you woke up again.”  
My cell phone. I grab it tentatively and thank her. She smiles at us, wishes us a good night, turns off our light, then leaves the room.  
“Jake. I just wanted to… well… thanks. It means a lot that you stood up for me. That you were just there for me. I mean, I’ve been really clingy and that must be hard to deal with so thanks.”  
“Stop,” Jake says. “Look at me.” I meet his eyes in the semi dark room. “I’m guessing Rich told you about Amanda?”  
“Your sister? Yeah,” I reply softly.  
“I should have been there for her. I was fucking awful. I was cruel and I didn’t think it was a big deal. My mindset was everyone has sex and it wasn’t ideal, but at least the guy wore a condom. I was in a dark place at the time. That doesn’t excuse what I said. AT ALL. But, I don’t think I would’ve said it if I wasn’t in that place mentally. She was traumatized and I brushed it off. Maybe if I had showed I had cared. Maybe if I had tried to help her. Maybe if I was a better brother, a better person, then she would still be here.”  
“Jake, it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”  
He laughs, but it’s sarcastic and flat. “It is my fault. But now, I can make up for what I didn’t do for her. I can be a good person. Before that happened, she looked up to me. She thought I was amazing. She thought I was this loving, caring, genuine person that she could trust. But I wasn’t. I let her down. She probably died hating me. God, I don’t blame her. I deserve her hate.”  
Jake is trying to hide his tears in the darkness, but I can hear the soft sniffles, and I can see him try to subtly wipe away tears.  
I kick my sheets aside and make my way over to his bed. I sit on the edge, and I grab his hand in mine. “Jake, you are a good person. We all go through rough times. We all say shitty things. You know you were wrong. Regret can’t change the past, but it impacts the future. I’m sure Amanda loves you. And I’m sure she is watching you from the other side. And I’m POSITIVE that she is so proud of you.”  
He lets out a sob as he sits up and wraps his arms around me. “God, Michael. I’m so glad you’re in my life now. You’re so fucking good.”  
I hesitate. “Jake, can I ask you for a favor?” I whisper nervously.  
He pulls away and wipes his eyes, looking at me with a small, sad smile. “Of course, Michael. Anything,” he says.  
“I… Since I’ve been awake, I just really need human contact. I need to be held in a caring, gentle way. All I can think about is the aggression and pain, and I need comfort. I just…” I trail off. “God, nevermind. It’s stupid. I’ll just go to sleep.”  
“Michael. It’s not stupid. Nothing you feel is stupid.”  
“I just-”  
“Get in here,” Jake says, lifting up his blanket and scooching over to make room.  
I let out a relieved sigh and get into the bed next to him, taking off my glasses and putting them aside. I hesitantly move closer, not sure how close he is willing to let me get. My fears vanish as he puts a comforting arm around my shoulder and tugs me into his chest. I fist his shirt in my hands to assure myself this is real. His hand is running through my hair soothingly.  
“Thank you,” I whisper.  
He hums in response. I’m not afraid for once. I slowly fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at this. Please love me. 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	4. Explanations and Angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: panic attack  
> Things come to light.

I check my phone in the morning. My Warcraft friends have sent me “get wells” in the group chat. There are a few texts from Jeremy. Some prior to him coming in. Some after he left last night. I don’t read them. I emotionally and mentally can’t. Other than the group chat and Jeremy, I don’t have any texts. Instagram and Twitter, however, have many DMs, all containing false sympathy and hopes of quick healing.  
“Give me your phone,” Jake says.  
“Why?” I ask.  
“Just, trust me.”  
I do. It sounds stupid, and I have literally no reason to trust him or Rich, but I trust both of them with my life. I hand him my phone.  
After a moment, he hands it back.  
“What did you do?” I ask.  
He smiles softly at me. “I added Rich and myself to your contacts, as well as blocked Jeremy. I feel it’s best if you steer clear of all communications with him,” Jake says.  
“Probably smart,” I chuckle.

Thanks to Heidi, I don’t come into contact with Jeremy, which I am eternally grateful for. Wednesday, Jake gets discharged. Wednesday and Thursday nights are Hell as I’m left on my own. I use the call button often, but Heidi doesn’t seem to mind. I know she has an idea of what happened to me, but she never brings it up which is also very appreciated. There are bruises around my wrists, as I knew there were going to be. Everytime I see them, I start to panic. My moms bring me my favorite red sweatshirt. I smile and thank them, but as soon as they leave, my facade cracks. I start sobbing, chucking the sweatshirt across the room into Rich’s face as he walks in, Jake on his tail.  
“Wow! I feel threatened! Is this how you great your friends? By attacking them? Death by sweatshirt?” Rich jokes.  
I let out a wet laugh. Jake and Rich sit next to me. Rich still holds the sweatshirt. He offers it to me.  
“Get rid of it. Please,” I whimper.  
“This is your favorite sweatshirt. You wear it literally every day. Why do you want to get rid of it?” Rich asks.  
“Rich,” Jake mutters.  
“Most of the patches were from him.” I admit softly. “I don’t want to see it ever again.”  
“Christ, Mike, I’m sorry. I didn’t think,” Rich says, turning and shoving into his backpack.  
“What’s new?” I tease.  
Both Rich and Jake smile at my attempt at humor. Rich gently shoves me and I shove back.  
“You’re going home tomorrow, right?” Jake asks.  
“Unfortunately,” I mutter.  
“Why unfortunately? You can get out of this hell-hole. No more gross hospital food. Slushies from 7/11 instead of a shitty cafeteria. If you’re worried about us ditching you in school, you’ve got another think coming,” Rich says.  
“I’m… scared. I won’t have anyone to comfort me when I freak out in the middle of the night. Je- he could come to my house, it wouldn’t be that hard. I’m alone. I’m fucking screwed,” I whisper.  
“No. You’re moms are there. Just tell them-”  
“NO. They can’t know. I love them to death. But I can’t tell them,” I say.  
“Michael, he messed you up bad. You need to let them know so he can’t hurt you anymore.”  
“H-he wouldn’t hurt me. I can’t be around him, but he wouldn’t actually hurt me again. It wasn’t him. It was the-”  
“Michael, stop. I know you desperately want him to be a good person, but I told you. The Squip can’t take the full blame. I told you, Jeremy had a part in this too, as much as you want to deny it,” Rich says.  
“It wasn’t him. It was the fucking tic tac!” I snarl.  
“Michael, please, this isn’t just-”  
“IT WAS THE SQUIP!” I insist. “THE SQUIP DID THAT NOT JE- NOT HIM!”  
“If you are so sure it was the Squip and not Jeremy at all, how come you still can’t say his name?” Rich challenges. His anger immediately turns to guilt and sadness when he sees me flinch away. “Fuck, Michael, you know I didn’t mean that. I’m just worried about you.”  
“I… I know,” I sigh.  
“Okay. What the fuck is a Squip?” Jake asks.  
Rich pales and looks at Jake who watches him with curious anger.  
“I… can I talk to you later about that?” Rich tries.  
“No. I’m tired of people keeping secrets from me. Tell me now,” Jake says, and he is slightly scaring me with the grim, angry expression on his face.  
“Okay. Freshman year. I was a loser.”  
The word echoes in my ears, even though it wasn’t directed at me. Fuck. That’s all I am, isn’t it? A loser. These two are hanging out with me because they pity me. Because they feel guilty. God no one will ever just like me for me. Because I am just a loser.  
“Guys,” I say, choking out a sob.  
Immediately, they are both by my side, concern flashing on their faces.  
“Shit. I really shouldn’t be talking about this shit in front of you. I’m sorry. Just breathe, okay, Mikey. Breathe dude,” Rich soothes.  
“Fuck I’m a loser. Oh God why am I such a loser?” I rasp out.  
“What? Michael, you’re not a loser, why would you think that?” Jake protests.  
“I am though. My only friend thinks I am. The only person in this horrible world that gave a fuck about me thinks I’m a loser,” I retort. “He called me a loser when he left me there.”  
“Jake and I are your friends, and we know you are not a loser, okay?” Rich insists.  
“No one likes me. You hang out with me because of guilt and pity. I don’t need your pity!” I cry. Jake tries to put an arm around me, but I shove him away. “I should’ve died! Why couldn’t you just have let me die! I deserve it! And then you wouldn’t have to be worried about me twenty-four seven! You’d be able to live happy lives without me lurking in the back of your minds! I’ll always be a burden. He got rid of me the first chance he could. I’m just waiting for you to come to your senses and leave me too.”  
“Michael. Shut the fuck up for a moment,” Jake snaps. He looks shocked that he said that, but shakes his head before continuing, “You are important. You are not a burden. You do not deserve to have died. I’m gonna be honest, maybe it did start as a pity thing, or a guilt thing, but friendships have to start somewhere. And you are our friend. You are an amazing guy. People don’t know what they’re missing by not hanging out with you. I speak for both of us when I say we are so glad you gave us a chance.”  
I hesitate, before lunging forward, and grabbing Jake and Rich into a group hug. Their holds tighten on me as I sob.  
“Do you want me to get Heidi?” Jake asks.  
“N-no. I’m okay,” I reply, pulling back slightly. “Just… if you’re going to talk about the Squip, please don’t do it in front of me. I can’t…”  
“Of course, Mikey. I was being an idiot. We’ll be right outside. Come get us if you need anything,” Rich soothes.  
He stands, helps Jake get situated on his crutches, and they walk out the door.  
They’re gone for a few minutes, when my phone starts to ring. It’s a random number I don’t recognize. I answer it.  
“Hello?”  
“Michael! God are you okay? The nurses won’t let me visit you. I was worried things got worse. Then you blocked my number. Jesus, Micah, I was so scared. Why won’t they let me see you are you okay?”  
“I told them to not let you in,” I reply slowly.  
“Michael, you know that wasn’t me. Please tell me you know that. I never wanted to hurt you,” Jeremy pleads.  
I let out a humorless laugh. “Wow, sure seems like it.”  
“Micah, I’m sorry.”  
That name is fucking Kryptonite. It hurts so badly to hear it from his mouth, but it makes me weak. It makes me want to follow him. God there was a point I’d do anything for this boy. Now? I don’t know.  
“I get out tomorrow,” I finally say.  
“What? That’s great! I don’t want to get my hopes up or anything, but why are you telling me?” Jeremy sounds excited but nervous.  
“I… I suppose we need to talk. It’ll be easier without being surrounded by people,” I say.  
“You would be comfortable alone with me?” he asks.  
“No.”  
“Oh.” A pause. “Hey, can you unblock me from your phone? It will be easier to talk I guess.”  
“I… sure. I’m gonna go.”  
“Wait! Micah, I just wanted-”  
“I need to go. Bye.” I choke out, hanging up. I stare at my phone as tears fill my eyes. I click on contacts and numbly unblock Jeremy’s number.  
Jake and Rich walk back into the room. Rich looks tense, and Jake looks contemplative.  
“FUCK!” I scream suddenly.  
The pair startle and immediately run over to me.  
“What happened?” Rich asks. I shake my head violently as the two of them wrap themselves around me. “Michael, please tell us what’s going on.”  
“He called me. He used someone else’s phone and I answered it,” I admit, face heating up in shame.  
“What did he say?” Jake asks through gritted teeth.  
“He was worried because they won’t let him see me. He feels bad.” I say. “I hung up on him.”  
“Fucking Hell. Michael, promise me. If he tries to talk to you again, you’ll get one of us,” Jake pleads.  
I nod, knowing I’m lying. Rich is watching me with a furrowed brow. From the way his eyes are flickering between Jake, myself, and the door, I can tell he wants to talk alone.  
“I’m really thirsty,” I say suddenly. “Jake, can you get me a slushie?”  
“Why me?” Jake asks nervously glancing at Rich.  
“Rich will take too long. He’ll just start talking to everyone, and when he finally returns, my slushie will be melted,” I say with a timid laugh.  
“Hey! Not true!” Rich protests, playing along.  
Jake cracks up. “It is definitely true. Fine. I’ll go get you a slushie. Cherry?”  
“Yes, thanks,” I confirm with a smile.  
Jake leaves. Rich and I watch the door for a few seconds, before Rich lets out an exhausted sigh.   
“How’d it go?” I ask nervously.  
“He doesn’t hate me. He thinks our friendship is kind of a scam, but he doesn’t hate me. He doesn’t trust me, either, but at least he doesn’t hate me. He still hates Jeremy. He thinks that Jeremy was acting on his own and I agree.” He gives me a pointed look which I ignore. “For fucks sake, Michael. I know you didn’t just hang up on him. What did he say to you? What did you say to him?”  
“He said we need to talk,” I reply. Rich narrows his eyes at me and I let out a huff of air. “That’s all. Why don’t you believe me?”  
“Michael, we want to help you. If you’re planning on meeting with him, you have to let one of us know so we can have your back. What if he goes after you again?”  
“It wasn’t him. It was the Squip. He didn’t even know what happened!” I cry.  
“He knows how to lie. He is an actor! I told you, there is no way he was unaware of what was happening.”  
“Fuck you,” I mutter.  
“What?”  
“Fuck. You. You think you know everything because you had that goddamn supercomputer in your brain first, but you know nothing! Stop thinking you’re so special,” I spit.  
He looks at me with a hurt expression and I realize what I said and how harsh it was.  
“I see.”  
“Rich! I didn’t mean it! I’m sorry!”  
“Yeah. Sure you are.”  
“Rich please I’m just stressed,” I plead.  
“And you think I’m not? God you are such a jackass!”  
Jake hobbles in smiling, precariously balancing my slushie. He notices Rich’s fury and my eyes welling up with tears that are threatening to spill over.  
“What’s going on?” Jake asks.  
“Nothing. Michael just needs some space because he’s so stressed right now. We could never understand,” Rich growls.  
He spins around and starts to walk to the door. I lunge forward and grab his arm. He shoves me off him and I trip over Jake’s crutch, landing hard on my ass.  
I stare at him in shock. He stares back, just as shocked. He takes a cautious step forward. I’m immediately on my feet and stumbling into the bathroom, noting the recurring theme. I lock the door behind me.  
“Fuck! Michael open up, please dude. Let’s talk.” Rich.  
I curl into myself sobbing.  
“Michael, calm down, okay? You’re okay. We aren’t going to hurt you.” Jake.  
“I’M SORRY!” I wail.  
“No one blames you, Mikey. It’s fine,” Rich says. “Please let me in.”  
“Get Heidi,” Jake hisses.  
I can’t stop crying. I can’t move. It was a mistake to hide in the bathroom of all places. It feels like he’s here with me. He can’t be. He isn’t allowed near me. No one wants you. You’re just pathetic. A loser. People will only hurt you. You trusted Jeremy and he raped you. You trusted Rich and he shoved you. Now it’s just Jake who needs to hurt you. Jake should’ve let you die in the fire. Everyone would be better off with you GONE.  
The door opens and I scream as someone towers over me. It’s Jeremy coming back to hurt me again!  
“Michael, I need you to listen to me, okay?” the person says, but it isn’t Jeremy’s voice.  
“What m-m-more could you w-want from me?” I sob.  
“Michael, can you tell me who I am?”  
“W-Why do you want t-to hurt me?” I choke out.  
“Michael. It’s Heidi. Your nurse. No one is going to hurt you.”  
“You… aren’t here to hurt me?” I ask.  
“Of course not, sweetie. Can you tell me where you are?”  
“You just left me here.”  
“It’s a PTSD-like episode. But he hasn’t been diagnosed. What happened at your house, Jake? Besides the fire, I mean. Why is he having this panic attack?”  
“It’s not my place to say,”  
“Jake, you can’t hold information from me. I can help him, but I need to know what set him off.”  
“His best friend raped-”   
I scream at the word. “NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!”  
“Fuck, Michael,”  
“Don’t touch him. He’s not in the right mind right now and could hurt you accidentally. So his best friend… forced himself on him?”  
“Yes. Then abandoned him in the bathroom. I got him out when the fire started, but he didn’t want to come.”  
“RICH SET A FIRE AND HE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE!” I cry.  
“Boys, it’s time you went home. I’ll take care of him.”  
There is a pause, filled with my sobs, before the person over me starts talking again.  
The voice is white noise, however, as I slowly fall unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this how you do a fanfic? 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	5. Mikey and his Moms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there are any big trigger warnings needed, but it's a heavy chapter. Mikey talks to his moms. And Richie is there.

I wake up to soft sobbing. I grope for my glasses and slide them on, sitting.  
“Michael! You’re awake!” Mama says through tears.  
“H-hi,” I mumble.  
Mom walks through the door, face red and bright. She sees me awake and starts crying. Mom’s crying sets Mama off again too. They both reach me and hold me between them.  
“What’s wrong?” I ask.  
“Heidi told us about what happened at the party,” Mom says into my hair.  
I stiffen.  
“Why didn’t you tell us, baby?” Mama asks.  
I let out a strangled sob. “I was worried you would hate me,” I admitted.  
“How could you think that? We would never blame you for that happening to you! The person who did this is to blame. Not you,” Mama says.  
“Michael, can you tell us who did this to you?” Mom asks softly.  
I yank myself out of their arms and shake my head furiously. “No, it’s not his fault. You can’t blame him. And I know you will.”  
“Of course it’s his fault. He needs to be punished. He needs to not be able to hurt anyone else,” Mama insists.  
“No! I won’t tell you!”  
“Okay, Michael,” Mom sighs.  
“Alyssa!” Mama protests.  
“This is only upsetting him, Clara. We’ll talk later,” Mom replies.  
“Hello,” a voice from the doorway says.  
It’s Rich. He isn’t looking at me, instead focusing on the floor.  
My parents seem to come to a conclusion.  
“Are you the one who did this?” Mama spits.  
“Get out! Leave our boy alone!” Mom adds.  
“Stop!” I yell.  
Rich looks terrified. “Hi, Mikey.”  
“I’m sorry,” I reply simply.  
He visibly relaxes as he realizes I’m not angry.  
“Is he the one?” Mom whispers.  
“No! He’s a friend.”  
“Really?!” Mama seems excited now. “Hello! Come and sit with us! I didn’t realize Michael had any friends besides Jeremy!”  
Both Rich and I tense at that. He looks at me, concerned, and I shake my head, silently pleading for him not to tell. He nods, just barely noticeable.  
Rich makes his way over to us and sits in an empty chair.  
“Hello, nice to meet you,” he says, and I can tell he’s uncomfortable.  
Mama reads his discomfort wrong. “If you are just going to be homophobic and judgemental that Michael has two mothers, you can get out.”  
“Mama!”  
“No! I’m not judging! I’m, like, totally bi,” Rich protests.  
“And in love with his best friend!” I sing.  
“I told you that in confidence!” Rich yelps.  
“He’s not here,” I reply.  
“Well…” he trails off, then turns to Mama. “I’m sorry if I gave off the vibe that I don’t approve. I’m just… nervous….”  
“Why? Did something happen?” Mom asks.  
“I accidentally set off the panic attack yesterday. I really am sorry, Mikey,” Rich says.  
Mama bristles and Mom tries to calm her with a firm hand on her shoulder.  
I stand up and walk over to Rich who tenses.  
“You didn’t mean to. Don’t worry. You were just upset. I probably would’ve done the same,” I whisper, before wrapping him in a hug.  
He sighs in relief, wrapping his arms back around me.  
“Oh! Jake’s outside. I told him I wanted to apologize before getting him. He’s hella worried about you.”  
“Shit!”  
“Michael!” Mama reprimands.  
“Do you think he heard the comment about him?” I whisper guiltily.  
“Hopefully, no,” Rich sighs.  
Mama stands up. “Well, Michael can’t talk right now.”  
“Mama, why not?” I whine.  
“Shush. You’ll have time to talk at home,” Mama replies with a smile.  
“Wait! I’m going home? Now?” I cheer.  
“Yes, honey, you are,” Mama affirms. “I just need to talk to the Doctor and sign a few more things.” Mama turns to Rich. “Do you want to come over?”  
Rich hesitates.  
“Richard Goranski, you better come over!” I snap.  
“Goranski?” Mama asks. “That’s why you look so familiar! You live across the street, right?”  
“We’re the house with the ugly ass PT Cruiser in the driveway,” I supply helpfully.  
“Dude. How have we been neighbors and not known this?” Rich cries.  
I crack up. “I knew. You’re just oblivious.”  
“Clara, go clear things up with the doctors,” Mom says.  
Mama leaves, and Mom watches me with a strange look.  
“What’s wrong, Mom?” I ask.  
“It was Jeremy, wasn’t it?” Mom says.  
I wince, but quickly smoothe over my expression. “What are you talking about?” I ask.  
“Michael George Mell, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Was Jeremy the one who did this to you?”  
“What?” I pretend to be surprised that she’d ever suggest that.  
I glance at Rich who is pale and grimacing.  
“You got nervous and had a silent conversation with your friend when your mama mentioned Jeremy. Tell me the truth. Was Jeremy the one who raped you?”  
I flinch at the R-word. I start to cry again. “Don’t tell Mama.”  
Mom lets out a sigh and hugs me. “She needs to know,” Mom says.  
“Please. Just for now. I’ll tell her eventually. Just please not now. She’ll freak out,” I whisper.  
“Do you want me to leave?” Rich asks.  
“Jake’s probably waiting to see me,” I mention. “You guys can meet us at our house.”  
“Of course. See you in a bit,” Rich says, forcing a smile.  
Once he is gone, Mom looks at me. “Mr. Heere told me Jeremy visited. Did he try anything?”  
“No. Jake and Rich were here. They protected me. He said he didn’t remember. Said he didn’t know what he did. When he left, I asked Heidi not to let him in anymore.”  
“He said he doesn’t remember? Was he drunk at the party?”  
“Not exactly.” I pause. “Rich said he was lying.”  
“It is likely that he was, if he wasn’t drunk.”  
“There is more to it than that,” I mutter. “I don’t want to talk about it.”  
“Honey, I know you loved him, as more than a friend. If you need to talk, let me know.”  
I nod, squeezing my eyes shut.  
“Time to go!” Mama calls from the doorway.  
“Be safe, Michael. If anything ever happens, make sure you talk to someone,” Heidi says.  
I smile at Heidi, thanking her for everything. I grab my stuff and start to walk out with my moms.  
“Honey, where’s your sweatshirt?” Mama asks suddenly.  
“W-what?” I stutter.  
“Your red sweatshirt we brought you. With all the patches on it. Where is it?” Mama presses.  
“Oh, I, uh, gave it to Rich. I’ve kinda grown out of it. I have more sweatshirts at home,” I say.  
I feel Mom’s hand on my shoulder, and I can tell she understands.  
Mama looks concerned, but she drops it. When I get home, Rich and Jake are waiting for me on the front porch. Things seem okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> high key wrote most of this while sleep deprived two months ago and am only now posting it anywhere cuz i'm dumb. 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	6. Angst and Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: mild panic attack, discussion of rape, mild Doctor Who spoilers.  
> So he talks to Jeremy in person. Brooke is an amazing person, and Rich kicks ass at Smash. (Not necessarily in that order)

A few days pass peacefully before shit comes crashing down. I wake up fifteen minutes to eleven. The doorbell rings and I immediately bolt up and yank on clothes. Rich is over early.  
“Michael! You have a visitor!” Mama calls.  
I run up the basement stairs, smiling. It isn’t Rich. Jeremy stands there. I keep the smile plastered on my face.  
“Hi,” I say.  
Mama beams at us. “Jeremy, I haven’t seen you in a while. You have to come over more! I’ll be upstairs if you need me!”  
She smiles at me before walking upstairs. Once she can no longer see me, I let the smile drop. He flinches at my expression.  
“She doesn’t know?” Jeremy asks.  
“Mom figured it out, but I told her not to tell Mama. Mama wants to press charges. She wants you gone. Not knowing it was you of course.”  
“I’m surprised you’re protecting me,” Jeremy says.  
“I really shouldn’t be.”  
His face falls. “Micah, I’m really sorry.”  
“You should leave.”  
“Can we take a walk? I just want to talk to you.”  
“Rich is coming over in ten minutes.”  
“Oh.”  
The look on his face pierces my heart. “I can call him and reschedule.”  
Without waiting for an answer, I take out my phone and call Rich.  
“Mikey! Hey! Is everything okay? I was just about to head over.”  
“Hey, I’m fine, just feeling a little sick today. Can I take a rain check?” I reply.  
“Oh shit, man of course! Hope you feel better. Or is it just a ruse?”  
“What?” I am slightly panicking.  
“You just know I’m gonna kick your sorry ass in Smash, so you’re cancelling on me to maintain your gaming dignity.”  
I laugh. “You got me. I need to practice my Smash skills before facing you.”  
“Knew it! Okay, well talk later then!”  
“Yeah, yeah. Bye.”  
Jeremy is watching me as I hang up.  
“You’re playing video games with Rich Goranski now?” he looks hurt.  
“Yes.”  
He grimaces but says, “It’s kind of chilly out. Might want to grab your sweatshirt.”  
I nod and run downstairs. I grab my black Assassin’s Creed sweatshirt and yank it on before running back upstairs.  
“Wanna head to the park?” I ask, receiving a nod from Jeremy.  
Jeremy looks at me strangely as we head out and start walking.  
“What?” I finally say.  
“I’m just surprised. You aren’t wearing your red hoodie. That, like, never happens.”  
“I don’t have it any more,” I reply. “I gave it to Rich to get rid of.”  
“WHAT?!” Jeremy yells. “That’s your favorite sweatshirt and you gave it to someone to throw out?!”  
I flinch. “Please don’t yell at me,” I whimper.  
“Michael, I’m sorry. I’m not angry. Just… surprised. Kinda sad.”  
We both grow silent as we walk. We reach the park and sit down in the grass.  
I finally speak up. “You’re jealous,” I state. “You think I’m replacing you with Rich.”  
“Well, yeah!” Jeremy says. “You never invite people over to play games except me.”  
“Because I never had friends except you.”  
“Well you seem much more at ease with him then with me. That is stupid. He bullied you. He bullied us.”  
“So?”  
“So how can you suddenly like him more than me?”  
“He feels guilty. He regrets it,” I say coldly. Then before I can stop myself, I add, “He never r- violated me, either, so there’s that.”  
“I’m sorry! Is that what you want to hear?” he cries.  
“Sometimes apologies aren’t enough.”  
A car pulls up on the side of the road, and someone gets out. It’s Brooke Lohst.  
“Oh, hey Brooke,” Jeremy says as she walks over.  
“Hi,” Brooke says back, but she isn’t looking at him. No, her eyes are on me, making my skin crawl. “Hey, Michael.”  
“Hi?” I say.  
She shoves a slushie into my hands. Cherry. My favorite.  
“I heard it’s the best way to get into a good mood,” Brooke says.  
“That’s weird. I said that. To Jake,” I say, narrowing my eyes.  
“Rich saw you two leave your house. He’s pissed that you lied to him, so he called Jake. Jake is on bed rest because his legs got worse, so he called me and asked me to bring you a slushie,” Brooke explains.  
“Come sit with us,” I invite, glad for someone to be there as a buffer.  
Jeremy scowls, but Brooke doesn’t notice, sitting down next to me.  
“I never really talked to you before, but Rich and Jake really care about you. They talk about you way too much,” Brooke says with a giggle.  
“Really? Why would they talk about me?” I ask.  
“Jake because he likes to encourage Rich. Rich because he has a crush on you,” Brooke says with a sly smile.  
“Wait. No. Rich does NOT have a crush on me. No way, Jose. He told the first time we talked that he had a thing for Jake!” I insist.  
“Yeah, he did, but Jake found out and they talked it out and decided they wouldn’t work out. Jake’s super straight, and Rich kinda figured it was more like awe at the fact that Jake forgave him for the fire so easily. And Jake’s more like a brother to him.”  
“Richard Goranski. Likes me. In a romantic sense?” I ask. “HOLY FUCKING SHIT I NEED TO TALK TO HIM!”  
“Maybe now isn’t the best time,” Brooke immediately interjects.  
“Why not?!”  
“Well he’s still kind of mad at you for lying to him to hang out with Jeremy. And he will know that I told you and I’d rather remain breathing,” Brooke says.  
I fall on my back and stare at the sky.  
“Wow,” I mutter.  
“You okay, Michael?” Brooke asks.  
“I am SHOOK.”  
“Wow. I really have been replaced,” Jeremy says.  
My fists clench.  
“Why would Michael replace you?” Brooke asks, curiously. “Aren’t you two best friends? Rich and Jake get really tense when you’re brought up and they aren’t saying why.”  
“It doesn’t matter, Brooke,” I sigh.  
“It clearly does Michael! You barely look at me anymore. If I could go back and never get that damn thing to begin with, I would!” Jeremy shouts.  
“This have to do with Squips?” Brooke asks.  
“Tell her,” I say. “I don’t have the energy to talk about it right now.”  
“Jake’s Halloween party, I had already had the Squip, for a few weeks. That day you saw me in the mall with Chloe and offered me a ride home, that was the day I got it,” Jeremy starts.  
“What happened at the party? Beside Rich burning the house down. That’s why Michael was in the hospital right?”  
“God, Micah, you shouldn’t have been there. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have still been in the house for the fire. Or in the house at all that night,” Jeremy realizes.  
I groan and cover my face with my hands, trying to breathe and not have another breakdown.  
“I believe you that it wasn’t your fault,” I say, and it feels good to get that off my chest. “I just have a hard time being near you with that memory.”  
“Micah, I should have listened to you in the first place. This really is my fault,” Jeremy says. Brooke lets out a little cough and Jeremy goes back into telling the story. “Yeah, sorry. Michael found me. Tried to tell me the Squip was dangerous. Then I blacked out. When I came to, I was walking out of the party. I found out Michael was in the hospital. A week later, I destroyed the Squip, as you know. But I went to visit Michael. Twice. The first time was him telling Jake to make me leave. The second time, he told me that the Squip made me….” Jeremy trails off.  
I look over to see him crying. I hesitate, but put a shaky hand on his shoulder. He straightens and looks at me with shock.  
“It’s okay,” I whisper.  
His crying intensifies. “After all I did, you’re comforting me? Telling me it’s okay? It should be the other way around.”  
Brooke looks scared. “What happened when you were blacked out. What did the Squip force you to do?” It looks like she has already connected the dots. She just needs confirmation.  
“I raped him,” Jeremy admits.  
I yank my hand away and Jeremy and Brooke both look at me in concern.  
I’m shaking and crying and looking at my hands as I pull at the grass. “Please don’t use that word. Please don’t say it,” I whimper.  
“Michael, can I hug you?” Jeremy asks softly. I hesitate. He adds, “If it gets to be too much, just push me off, okay? I won’t be upset.”  
I launch myself into his arms. I missed him so much. How could I ever think he would ever do something like that? Rich was wrong. This is the real Jeremy. The one who cares about me and would never hurt me.  
Brooke places a tentative hand on my shoulder.  
“Never Apocalypse of the Damned,” I whimper.  
“What?” Jeremy asks softly, stroking my hair.  
“Rich and I play video games together, but I refuse to let him be my Player 2 in Apocalypse of the Damned. That’s only for you,” I sob.  
His hold around me tightens. “I was fool to leave you behind. You’re always my Player 1. I’m so sorry, Micah.”  
“I forgive you. I forgive you,” I murmur into his shirt.  
“I’ll leave you guys alone,” Brooke says, causing me to pull away from Jeremy. “I hope you come back to school soon, Michael.”  
She walks back to her car and gets in. I see the silhouette of someone in the passenger seat. I strain my eyes to see who it is, but I’m distracted by Jeremy flopping onto his back in the grass.  
I look at him as he watches the clouds. I barely notice Brooke’s car drive away. I can’t stop the smile on my face. I feel so relieved being here with Jeremy. It wasn’t him. The thing behind it is dead. I lie down next to him and look at the sky. I can feel his eyes on my face.  
He sits up, but I don’t pay attention. Suddenly, he grabs my arm and pulls me up. I flinch at the sudden contact. Discomfort turns to fear as he starts taking off my sweatshirt.  
“NO!” I scream.  
Jeremy freezes, and I rip myself out of his grip and scramble away.  
“Michael!”  
“Please don’t hurt me,” I plead.  
“Michael, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Can you come over here?” he asks soothingly.  
I shake my head frantically. “I thought it wasn’t you? Was it you? Or is that fucking tic tac back?”  
“Michael, breathe, okay. It wasn’t me. The Squip isn’t back. I’m not trying to make a move on you. I want to show you something. Can you trust me?”  
“I… I don’t know,” I admit.  
“You just said you believe me. Was that a lie? Do you really think I would intentionally hurt you like that?” Jeremy sounds near tears.  
“Why were you taking off my sweatshirt?” I ask, sounding braver than I feel.  
“I wanted to show you something. I should’ve warned you first. I won’t hurt you. Okay? Please come back. I just want to take of your sweatshirt for a few seconds. It won’t take long. Please, Micah.”  
Kryptonite. “Can… Can I take it off myself?” I ask softly.  
“Of course. Can you come back over here?” Jeremy replies.  
I make my way back to him and take off my sweatshirt. Jeremy holds my gaze as he takes of his cardigan. I shiver, and not just because of the chilly air.  
“Can I touch your arm?” Jeremy asks.  
I nod slowly. He inches my sleeve up so my forearm is showing. I see the PacMan tattoo I got last year. Jeremy reaches for his own sleeve and reveals his matching one.  
“Okay?” I’m confused as to where this is going.  
“I was terrified of getting a tattoo. I did it because I wanted to show you how much I care about you. You’re my best friend, Micah, even if you don’t consider me yours anymore. I want you to know how much you mean to me. Okay?”  
I reach over and trace his tattoo with shaking fingers.  
“Fuck,” I mutter.  
I jump back into his arms, embracing him. He reaches past me, grabs my sweatshirt, and drapes if over my shoulders before hugging me back.  
“Let’s get you home. Your mama might be getting worried,” Jeremy whispers.  
“Okay.”  
I slip back into my sweatshirt and we silently walk back to my house.  
“Thanks for coming out with me,” Jeremy says when we reach my house.  
I smile at him tensely. “No problem.”  
“It’s cold. You should get inside,” he says, cocking his head slightly, confused as to why I’m still standing in my driveway.  
“I was going to talk to Rich. He’s mad at me and I need to sort things,” I say.  
“Things? Like feelings? Like his crush on you?” Jeremy says flatly. He’s angry?  
“Not his crush. His anger. I need to tell him sorry,” I reply with a furrowed brow. Jeremy lets out a sarcastic laugh. “What’s your problem? I have other friends that I feel bad for hurting!”  
“I don’t have a problem.”  
“Then what’s the big deal about me apologizing to my friend?”  
“Your friend who has a crush on you. And guessing by your reaction, you have a crush on him, too,” Jeremy states.  
“So what if I do?” I cry.  
“Like I said before, you have replaced me,” Jeremy says.  
“Like I was the only one doing the replacing. You flat out got rid of me just to get a girl and be popular. Now that your whole scheme went sour, you have to drag yourself back to the weirdo loner you were forced to deal with in the past.”  
“Michael, I didn't want to get rid of you. I wanted you to be cool too. I was broken. The bullying wasn’t stopping. Staying under the radar didn’t work. We were LOSERS.”  
That fucking word. Jeremy immediately stops, registering the panic, the fear, and the pain on my face.  
“Loser, huh?” I choke out. Stay away from me, LOSER. I’m breathing too hard.  
“Michael… are you okay?” Jeremy asks hesitantly.  
I back away and focus on my breathing.  
“What’s going on?” Brooke’s voice rings in my ears.  
“Mikey! Shit!” Rich’s voice cries.  
I look up to see them running over from where Brooke’s car is haphazardly parked in Rich’s driveway. Rich reaches me and pulls me into a hug. I am glad for his embrace, but my knees grow weak and I collapse, dragging him down with me. I let out a bitter laugh.  
“I can’t do anything right. I am a loser,” I say.  
“Fuck that! Mikey, you’re amazing. You aren’t a loser okay? You are a winner. You kick my ass in every single video game we play!” Rich retorts.  
“I thought you were gonna be the one doing the ass-kicking in Smash though?” I manage to smile through my tears.  
Rich laughs. “Well, you got me there.” He pauses. “Michael, can you tell me what he said?”  
“H-he called me the L-Word,” I whisper. “He sounded like he did that night.”  
“Fucking hell. You better run, Jeremy Heere. You’re going to fucking die,” Rich snarls.  
He starts to get to his feet, but I yank him back down.  
“NO!” I snap. “It wasn’t him! He didn’t know what was happening, okay?! So leave him alone!”  
“He’s lying, Mikey,” Rich protests.  
“I trust him. Please trust me? Trust my judgement?” I plead. “If I end up being wrong, tell me ‘I told you so’ all you want, but for now, please.”  
He sighs. “Fine. I’m not happy, but fine.”  
“Rich, what set him off?” Jeremy asks. Rich lets out a literal growl. Jeremy adds, “Please tell me so I don’t do it again.”  
“Mikey, you want to come over?” Rich asks me.  
I frown. “You’re not mad at me?” I ask.  
“I’m furious at you. But I’ll let it go. You’re my friend, dude,” Rich replies.  
“Okay. Yeah.”  
“Brooke, can you help him inside? It’s freezing out. I need to talk to Jeremy,” Rich says, moving away from me.  
His warmth is replaced with Brooke’s. She puts a calming hand on my back and helps me stand. We walk over to Rich’s house, her arm around my waist. We walk inside and she leads me to the living room. The television is on, playing Doctor Who with a crying Jake Dillinger on the couch.  
“What is going-” Brooke is interrupted.  
“SHHHHH!” Jake hisses, watching the screen with rapt attention.  
I collapse on one of the other seats in the room, directing my gaze to the episode.  
“I’m sorry. Amelia, I’m so, so sorry.”  
“No. No, we can just go get him in the TARDIS. One more paradox-”  
“Would rip New York apart.”  
“No that’s not true. I don’t believe you.”  
“Mother, it’s true.”  
“Amy, what are you doing?”  
Jake and I watch the devastating ending together, sobbing our eyes out, while Brooke watches in confusion.  
The episode ends, and we sit for a few minutes, basking in the misery the show makes us feel. Then the tv clicks off, and Jake turns to me.  
“Rich is pissed at you,” he says.  
“He’s talking to…” I trail off, shaking my head.  
“You really believe in his innocence, but you can’t say his name,” Jake says with a thoughtful look.  
“Well… I didn’t know you like Doctor Who. Brutal episode, by the way. Even worse than ‘Face the Raven’ in my opinion,” I say, quickly changing the topic.  
“Clara?” Jake confirms.  
“Yes!”  
“I was so far gone into sadness.”  
“Me too! This show is rough.”  
“I’m gonna go. Talk to you boys later,” Brooke interrupts.  
“Bye, Brooke, and… thanks,” I say quietly.  
“Of course, Michael.”  
As Brooke leaves, Rich walks in.  
“I didn’t beat him up, I swear,” Rich says, noticing my concerned look.  
“Thanks for trusting me,” I mutter.  
“Whatever.”  
I sigh. He’s furious, but he won’t look at me. His mouth is pressed in a thin line.  
“Lay it on me,” I say. “It was super shitty of me to do, and I’m a horrible person. I don’t deserve your trust. I know you hate him, and I cancelled plans to be with him instead.”  
“Michael, stop,” Rich snaps, shaking his head. “Yeah, maybe it was shitty to cancel on me to hang out with Jeremy of all people, but that doesn’t make you a horrible person. That’s not even why I’m mad at you.”  
“W-what? Why, then?” I ask.  
“You could’ve been putting yourself in danger. You did it without a second thought. And instead of telling one of us like you promised you would, you left with him. Alone. I know you don’t think so, but just imagine, if Jeremy was tricking you and actually was aware, or maybe, if the Squip was back, you could’ve really been hurt and we would have no fucking clue! I was terrified when I saw you leave the house with him. I wanted to run out and just kinda make sure you had someone to help you. But it hurt really fucking badly. I feel like you didn’t trust me,” Rich explains.  
“You were in the car with Brooke!” I realize.  
He grimaces, but nods. “Yeah, so what?”  
I cross over to him in two steps and crush him to my chest. He slowly reciprocates the hug.  
“It’s still amazing how dense I am,” I mutter.  
Rich lets out a short laugh. “What are you dense about this time?”  
“About how much you care about me. And how much I want to make you smile,” I admit. “And how I’m always hurting you. I really don’t deserve you.”  
Rich tightens his grip on me.  
“I’m joining your hug in my heart, guys,” Jake teases.  
“Our hearts are hugging back,” Rich teases back, pulling away from me.  
“Wait. I’m confused. Jake, you’re on bedrest, but why are you here?” I ask.  
“I don’t have a house,” Jake reminds me. “And my parents are… somewhere where they can’t buy a new one.”  
“Jakey is staying at my house,” Rich concludes.  
“Just for now,” Jake adds nervously. “I don’t want to be a burden for long.”  
“Shut up. You aren’t a burden,” Rich snaps.  
“Wow. We’re all just a giant mess of issues,” I say with a laugh.  
“No shit,” Rich says.  
“We’ve got each other at least,” I say.  
“Ugh. That’s so fucking cheesy. Enough with the sentiment,” Rich teases.  
“Leave the sentimental sap alone,” Jake jokes.  
“I feel like you two are ganging up on me,” I laugh.  
“Even when I just stood up for you?” Jake asks, with mock hurt.  
“You called me a sap!” I protest.  
“Yeah, but you are. Don’t deny it, Michael Mell!” Jake says.  
“I’m going home until you stop bullying me,” I tease.  
Jake stops laughing and Rich looks like he’s been struck. The change in the atmosphere slightly freaks me out.  
“Rich?” Jake murmurs, softly.  
“What did I do? I fucked up again, didn’t I?” I whisper.  
“Jesus Christ, no that’s not… it’s not your fault, Mikey. It’s really mine,” Rich mutters.  
“Tell me what’s wrong,” I say.  
“You were joking, yeah, but I really did bully you. I tormented you,” Rich says. “I don’t know if I ever apologized for that, but I really am sorry. I can never say that enough.”  
“Richard Goranski, I forgive you. I forgave you the first day you visited me and faced him for me,” I say softly. “I don’t blame you. The past is the past. You have changed. Just focus on the present.”  
“God damnit,” Rich mutters, turning away from me. “You’re too fucking good for me, Mikey. I really don’t know how I got lucky enough to have you as a friend.”  
“Now who’s being sentimental?” I tease.  
Jake bursts out laughing. Rich and I look at each other for a moment before joining in. The tension is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RICHIE HAS A CRUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!!!! 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	7. Angst and Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: rape mention/flashback thingy, anger  
> Shit gets real (even though for fiction, shit was already pretty real)

_I’m in a vaguely familiar house. It’s silent. No one is around. Then there is a scream that is quickly muffled. A door is in front of me. The door is red and shiny. I reach for the knob, yanking my hand back. It’s blood. The door is covered in blood! Then the door opens. Jeremy walks out of the bathroom, a cruel smile on his face. He walks past me, not even seeing me._  
 _“Are you sure this will work?” Jeremy asks, smile gone as seriousness fills his gaze._  
 _A blue person glitches into existence in front of Jeremy. “Of course I’m sure, Jeremy. Step one has gone quite smoothly.”_  
 _“Can you explain to me why I had to pretend to be you? Why I had to do that?” Jeremy demands._  
 _“Michael has been with you his entire life. He doesn’t need anyone else. Without you, he’s alone. That was to give Michael’s mental state a push over the edge. The fire will start, he’ll want to die, Jake will save him. He and Rich will befriend Michael.”_  
 _“But Rich has a Squip,” Jeremy points out. “Michael would never trust him. Especially after this.”_  
 _“That’s why you are going to destroy me.”_  
 _“What?!”_  
 _“We operate on a hive mind, Jeremy. You destroy one, you destroy us all. I will be out of your heads.”_  
 _“How am I going to work without you?”_  
 _“Reinstall me once the rest no longer have them. I’ll give you another pill before you do it.”_  
 _“O-okay. But back to the plan. Jake and Rich befriend Michael?”_  
 _“He’ll realize that even with friends, he’s lonely. He needs you. And you’ll be constantly reminding him you’re there. You pretend you had no idea what happened. You blacked out in the bathroom when I took over.”_  
 _Jeremy nodded slowly. “He could believe that.”_  
 _“Of course he’ll believe that. He’ll be desperate to be by your side again in no time. Then you have him fully relying on you. He’ll be completely yours, Jeremy.”_  
 _“Michael Mell… mine?” Jeremy sounds awed._  
 _“That’s what you want, after all. I’ll, of course, be… influencing Michael. Playing mind games. He’ll go crazy, and like I said, he’ll run to you.”_  
 _“Good.”_  
 _Jeremy disappears, but the blue man, the Squip, looks at me with a feral grin._  
 _“So, Michael, what do you think now that you know the truth?”_  
 _“This isn’t real! It’s a bad dream!” I insist. “Jeremy would never do that!”_  
 _“I can prove it’s real, Michael.”_  
 _“How?”_  
 _“Ask Rich about his tattoo.”_  
 _“Rich has a bunch of tattoos, all over his arms. It’s common knowledge!” I snap._  
 _“But what isn’t common knowledge is the tattoo he keeps hidden. His first one. A single word on his lower back. ‘Remember.’ Ask him about it. I dare you. Then you’ll know I’m telling the truth.”_  
 _I shake my head desperately, and the Squip disappears._  
 _I hear soft sobs coming from the bathroom. I slowly open the door, ignoring the blood covering my hand. It’s me, curled up in a ball. I look so small and fragile._  
I jolt up in bed. I grab my glasses and then my phone.  
To: RICH 2:36am  
Are you awake? I need to ask you something  
From: RICH 2:36am  
What’s up? Are you okay?  
To: RICH 2:37am  
What was the first tattoo you ever got?  
From: RICH 2:40am  
It’s two in the fucking morning and that’s what so important?  
To: RICH 2:41am  
It doesn’t make sense, but I really need to know. I’m fucking going crazy. Is it by any chance the word ‘remember’ on your lower back?  
From: RICH 2:59am  
How the fuck did you know that? Not even Jake knows about it.  
I immediately call him. I’m hyperventilating and crying and I can’t fucking believe it was real how did he do that and Jeremy was in control and I don’t know what’s going on anymore.  
Rich answers, “What is going on, Michael? How did you know about that?”  
“It told me,” is the only thing I manage to say through my sobs.  
“What told-? Are you okay?”  
“No.”  
“Fucking… I’m coming over. I’ll be there in ten seconds. Listen. Wait by the door for me, okay? Can you do that?”  
“O-okay.”  
“Stay on the phone with me. Even if you don’t talk, just don’t hang up.”  
I walk up the basement stairs and make my way to the door. I slump against the wall.  
“Rich?”  
“I’m literally ten feet away, open the door.”  
I do. Rich runs in and takes in my state. I collapse into him, and his arms hold me to him. He reaches up to brush a hand through my hair. I sob a little harder.  
“Downstairs,” I mumble through tears.  
He nods and helps me go down to the basement. I sit in one beanbag. He pulls the other one close to mine and sits down too.  
“What’s wrong, Michael? What happened? How did you know about that tattoo?” Rich demands. He’s so worried, and he’s starting to panic.  
“L-let me see it. Please. I need to know it’s not a trick,” I beg.  
“You’re not making sense, Michael,” Rich says.  
“I will explain please let me see it,” I plead.  
He sighs, takes off his shirt, and turns around. It’s real. The word is there. Despite the dread I feel, I choke out a laugh.  
“Comic sans?” I manage to tease.  
He turns to me and grits his teeth. “Hense not wanting anyone to see it or know about it. So how do you?”  
“Did you know Squips can appear in the heads of people who’ve never even had one?” I ask.  
“That’s impossible. What the fuck are you…. Jesus Christ. A Squip visited you?” Rich gasps.  
I nod. “I thought it was just a nightmare. It told me about your tattoo as proof that it was real. And I heard the conversation between J- him and his Squip.”  
“Christ, what happened?” Rich reaches for my hand, and I let him take it. I squeeze his hand fiercely.  
“It was a planned out thing. That fucking Squip came up with the idea and then he went along with it. You were right. I shouldn’t have trusted him. I really shouldn’t have trusted him. It was all a scheme to make me miserable and dependent on him so he could have me all to himself,” I sob.  
Michael Mell… Mine? Jeremy’s words echo in my head  
“Jesus fuck,” Rich whispers. His shock turns to rage. “I’ll murder him! I swear to God he’s so fucking dead!”  
“Rich, no!” I shout.  
Rich is standing and stomping to the stairs. I bolt to my feet and get in front of him, trying to stop him.  
“Michael, let me go,” Rich growls.  
“No. You’re just going to get hurt if you go. Calm down. Think this through,” I beg.  
“I won’t be the one getting hurt. Don’t worry.”  
“Rich, listen to me,”  
“Move it, Michael.”  
I freeze momentarily, before shaking my head of the memory. Not the time. “Rich, you’re going to regret this, don’t go.”  
“MICHAEL, MOVE ASIDE NOW,” Rich roars.  
I flinch away, then gain composure. “Quiet or you’ll wake my moms,” I warn.  
He lets out this angry huff. “Get out of the way. Nothing you say will change my mind.”  
Nothing I say, but maybe something I do? Before I can talk myself out of this, I grab Rich’s face, lean down, and kiss him.  
He freezes, and I quickly pull away, immediately second guessing myself.  
“I’m sorry that was out of line but please don’t leave or do anything stupid that you’ll regret later because-”  
“Stop.” With one word, Rich cuts off my rambling. I stare at the ground, my face burning in fear and shame. “Michael, look at me.”  
I wrench my gaze away from the floor to meet his eyes. His expression is unreadable and I bite my lip nervously.  
“Sorry, I-”  
Rich stops me by pulling me down to meet his lips once more. I gasp against his mouth. Rich misreads that and starts to pull away, but I cup the back of his neck, holding him there as I kiss back.  
When we finally pull apart, Rich blushes and refuses to meet my eyes.  
“Lemme guess, Brooke told you? I thought so, but I wasn’t sure,” Rich mutters.  
“Y-yes. But-”  
“Yeah, well, I don’t need your pity affection.”  
“Rich, this isn’t pity. I-”  
“You were trying to stop me from going after Jeremy. Right.”  
“Rich, stop, please. It isn’t pity. I did do it to stop you, true, but that’s not the complete reason.”  
“Then why did you do it?”  
“Because I wanted to. I’ve wanted to for a while. More so since Brooke told me,” I explain. “I don’t want you to go after Jeremy because I want you to be safe and he could seriously hurt you.”  
Rich cocks his head. “You just called him by his name.”  
I look at him in surprise, before realizing he is right.  
“I did.”  
Rich looks up, thinking. “Why haven’t you been able to say it before and now you can?”  
“Maybe because… I’m not afraid of him anymore,” I whisper.  
Rich smiles at me, warmth filling his eyes. “I’m proud of you, Mikey.”  
I smile back, leaning down again.  
Rich puts a hand on my chest to stop me. “Michael, please don’t.”  
“What’s wrong?” I ask.  
“I can’t do this to you, whatever this is,” Rich sighs.  
“I… I understand if you don’t want me, but God, Rich, I want to be with you,” I say.  
He chokes on air, he’s so surprised. “Really?”  
“Yes.”  
“Of course I want to be with you, Michael. I’m just not sure if you can handle a boyfriend mentally,” Rich says.  
“Well, I don’t think I’m anywhere near ready to have sex anytime soon, but I do want a relationship with you. I want to cuddle with you, and kiss you, and confide in you. I want to be there for you and know you’re there for me,” I reply softly.  
“Fuck, Michael. The things you do to my heart,” Rich chokes out.  
“You’re crying!” I yelp.  
“Happy tears, Mikey. I’m so fucking happy right now.”  
“Will you be my boyfriend, Rich?”  
“Hell yes,” he replies immediately. “But I’m gonna go back home. You start school again tomorrow, so try and get some sleep.”  
“Hey, since Jake isn’t back yet, do you want me to drive you? It would beat taking the bus,” I suggest.  
“Ah, Boyfriend Benefits include getting a ride to school,” Rich teases as we walk up the stairs.  
“And back home from school. Everyday if you want,” I add shyly.  
“Definitely,” he confirms. “So what time should I be over tomorrow?”  
“7:15 work for you?” I ask.  
Rich nods. He can’t stop beaming at me. “Okay, see you later, Mikey.”  
“Yep. Go home.” His smile is still there, going strong as he backs towards the front door. I sigh, “Stop smiling at me like that. You’re gonna blind me.”  
He chuckles, blows me a kiss, and walks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I doing with my life?? Kinda angsty, but then it's fluffy! 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	8. Expensive Headphones Commencement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and slight angst. Coming out as couple to moms.

7:10, I say goodbye to my moms and wait in the car. 7:13, Rich knocks on the window of my PT Cruiser before opening the door and sliding in the passenger seat.  
“Good morning, sunshine!” Rich sings.  
“Good morning Starshine, the Earth says ‘hello!’” I reply.  
“What?” Rich looks confused.  
“You’re hopeless,” I tease.  
I turn on some Bob Marley before pulling out of the driveway. I sing along loudly while Rich laughs.  
After a few songs, we reach the school. Jeremy is standing in front of the school, waiting for me. He starts walking over when I park the car.  
“Don’t fight him. Don’t get pissed. Please,” I whisper to Rich.  
Rich grimaces but nods in agreement.  
I get out of the car and grab my bag. Jeremy smiles at me, which turns to a frown when Rich gets out of the passenger side.  
“You drove him to school today?” Jeremy asks.  
I nod tensely.  
“Let’s go inside,” Rich says, ignoring Jeremy.  
“Hey, can I talk to you quickly, Michael?” Jeremy asks.  
“No,” I reply shortly.  
Rich reaches for my hand, but he hesitates. I smile and grab his hand before pulling him inside the school.  
“Do you want to be out at school?” Rich asks softly.  
“I would love to be your arm candy,” I tease. “If you aren’t comfortable, that’s fine, but I’m okay with people knowing.”  
“Of course I’m comfortable. I just wanted to make sure you are too.”  
“Are you two dating?!” Jeremy whisper-yells.  
Rich glares at Jeremy, and I squeeze his hand quickly.  
“Yes. We are,” I reply firmly.  
“Really, Michael? Wow. You got over me fast,” Jeremy says with a scowl.  
“I have to go to English,” I say flatly.  
“See you at lunch, Mikey!” Rich says with false cheer. He glares at Jeremy one last time before making his way to his class.  
I watch him leave.  
“When did this happen?” Jeremy asks, sounding bitter.  
“Last night, not that it’s any of your business.”  
“Micah, what the fuck?”  
“Your plan didn’t work,” I state.  
He pales, but tries to keep up a confused face. “What plan?”  
“The plan to have me fully rely on you. You know, the one given by the Squip?” I snap. He staggers back, shock and fear evident on his face. “Yes, I know it was you. I’ll give it to you, though. You are good at acting. You really had me believing you didn’t remember. But you did remember. You were in control during it. You didn’t even try to stop it.”  
“Michael, you don’t understand,” Jeremy starts.  
“You’re right. I don’t understand. I never want to understand. I’m leaving,” I say.  
I turn and walk to English. He doesn’t try to stop me.

That night, Rich and I decide to tell my mothers. We all sit down in the living room. Mom looks nervous, while Mama looks confused.  
“I thought you should know, that Rich and I started dating,” I say.  
“You sure this isn’t too soon?” Mom makes sure, but I can tell she’s excited.  
“Obviously, we are going to take things slow, but we both like each other so we wanted to see where it goes,” Rich explains.  
“Stand up! We’re taking pictures!” Mom gushes, taking out her phone.  
“I have to say I’m shocked,” Mama says with a furrowed brow.  
“Why?” I ask. “Rich is too short?”  
“Hey!” Rich objects, but he’s laughing.  
Mama’s next words cut the laughter quickly. “I thought your first boyfriend would be Jeremy.”  
Rich scowls, Mom freezes, and I try not to cry.  
“No,” I say simply.  
“You two were always so obviously in love with each other. Obvious to everyone but each other. I mean, you even got matching tattoos,” Mama points out.  
Mom gives me a pointed look. I glance at Rich to see the same look coming from him too.  
“Mama, at the party… the guy who… it was him,” I mumble.  
“Jeremy?” Mama turns dark in an instant. “Jeremy was the one who raped you?!”  
I cringe.  
Rich notices and says, “Please don’t say the r-word in front of Michael.”  
“Michael, why didn’t you tell me?” Mama yells. “The other day I left you alone with him! Did he try anything?”  
“No, he didn’t try anything,” I swear.  
“He came over and I didn’t know? Michael, this is why I told you to tell Mama!” Mom snaps.  
“You knew it was him and I didn’t?” Mama shrieks.  
“Mama! Don’t get mad please! Mom figured it out. I told her not to tell you. I wanted to tell you, but I wanted to wait,” I cry.  
Mama grimaces. “Rich, you and Michael have our blessing, but right now, I need to have a talk with Michael. You are more than welcome to come over for dinner tomorrow.”  
“Thank you ma’am. Have a good one,” Rich says. He grabs my hand, gives it a quick squeeze, then adds, “Bye Michael. Stay safe.”  
He leaves. It’s silent until Mom says, “I like that boy. He’s a good one.”  
Mama huffs. “Why didn’t you tell me, Michael? Did you not trust me?”  
“Mama! Of course I trust you, but I knew you’d wanna report him to the police and get him in trouble and hurt him. Despite what he did, I could never do that to him.”  
“I don’t understand you. He hurt you! He messed you up so badly, and you’re willing to let him walk free?” Mama protests.  
“Mama, please drop it,” I plead.  
She sighs. “Fine. I’m not happy, but fine. If he tries anything again, you tell me immediately, alright?”  
I nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired but I must finish posting or the Apocalypse of the Damned will become real and doom us all. 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	9. Jeremy's a Dick and Dustin ex Machina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: attempted rape, self harm, angry boy  
> This is an upsetting chapter in many senses. Rich loves his boy, and DUSTIN MAKES AN ENTRANCE (though it's kinda small and total ex machina.)

School the next day goes by quickly. The final bell rings, and I start to make my way to the parking lot.  
A door opens as I pass it, and a hand yanks me inside. I hear a click as the door is locked. I look at my captor in fear. Jeremy.  
“Stay away from me,” I snarl.  
“How did you know about it?” Jeremy asks.  
“Your Squip told me.”  
“Be serious.”  
“I am. You got it reinstalled, so why don’t you ask it yourself?”  
He looks surprised. He pauses, most likely talking to the Squip.  
“Wow.”  
“If that’s all, I’ll be leaving,” I say, reaching for the door.  
Jeremy grabs my arm and yanks me away from the door, throwing me to the ground. He drops down, straddling my legs.  
“GET OFF! DON’T TOUCH ME!” I scream.  
He ignores my protest, instead, he connects his lips to mine, forcing his tongue inside my mouth.  
“God, Micah, I want you,” he murmurs, leaning back slightly.  
“Please stop,” I whimper.  
“You may like Rich, but I was first. And I won’t let you use him to forget about me,” Jeremy sneers.  
He moves towards my neck and sucks a dark hickey, too far up to hide. I struggle, but he has me pinned.  
“I don’t want this!” I cry.  
“But you want me. Don’t deny it,” he coos.  
“No! I don’t! Stop!” I yelp.  
There is knocking at the door.  
“Don’t you dare,” Jeremy warns.  
“HELP!” I scream.  
“You’ll pay for that, Michael,” Jeremy snarls.  
He gets off me and makes his way to the window. He opens it and climbs out, sending a wink at me before leaving.  
I drag myself to my feet and stumble to the door, unlocking and opening it.  
“Are you Michael Mell?” a random jock demands. I think his name is Dustin Kropp.  
I nod, slowly. “Y-yes? Why?”  
“Rich! I found him!” Dustin yells.  
Rich jumps out of another room. He sees me and runs towards me, scooping me into his arms.  
“You scared me to death! You weren’t at your car and you wouldn’t text me back!”  
“I’m sorry,” I sob.  
He sees the hickey on my neck, and I can see in his eyes he figured it out. “It was Heere, wasn’t it?”  
I nod, looking down in shame. “I’m sorry, Rich, I’m so sorry.”  
“What? No! Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault sweetheart,” Rich soothes. “Give me your keys. You’re in no state to drive.”  
It’s a quiet drive home. I don’t say a word. Rich doesn’t push. We don’t even play music. He parks in my driveway.  
“I’ll see you tonight, Michael. Call me if you need anything,” Rich whispers.  
I nod numbly, before walking inside.  
Mama sees me and furrows her brow. “What’s wrong, darling?”  
“He locked me in a classroom with him. He wouldn’t let me leave. Someone else found us so he ran,” I whimper. I show her my neck.  
“Oh, Michael!” Mama cries out, wrapping me in a hug.  
“I’m sorry,” I whisper through tears.  
“Do not apologize. This is not your fault,” Mama scolds.  
I look down. “I’m going to take a shower.”  
“Let me know if you need anything, alright?”  
I head down to the basement and go into my bathroom. I close the door and take off my sweatshirt, followed by my tee. The PacMan on my arm taunts me. I just want it gone. I find the box under my sink, digging under the weed there to find my razor blades. Without a second thought, I slash at the tattoo until it is no longer visible under the blood and cuts. Then I add a few more cuts to the collection on my arms. I have no idea how long I’ve been numbly slicing my skin when I hear footsteps on the basement stairs. The numbness fades, replaced with fear. I drop the razor back in the box and shove it under the sink. I don’t have time to put my shirt on before Rich appears.  
“Hey! Your moms wanted me to-” he freezes at the sight of my bloody arms.  
“Rich, it’s fine. Just ignore this,” I say.  
“Michael, this isn’t… Jesus Christ. Let’s get your moms,” Rich replies.  
“No. They can’t know.”  
“Michael,” he sighs.  
“No.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Rich! NO!”  
“Mrs. Mell!” Rich calls, watching me calmly. “Please come down here!”  
“What the fuck?” I snarl. “I thought I could trust you!”  
The calm is replaced with hurt. “Michael, I’m trying to-”  
“Is everything alright?” Mama asks, as she and Mom come down the stairs.  
“Yes!” I snap.  
“No,” Rich retorts.  
I reach for my sweatshirt to cover myself, but Rich lunges for it and yanks it away. Mama sees me first, letting out a scream. Mom doesn’t scream, but grows pale and gasps.  
“Why did you tell them?” I scream at Rich. “You ruined everything! I hate you! I HATE YOU! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! GET OUT!”  
“This is not your fault, Richard. Thank you for letting us know, but let us deal with this. Go home, okay? Be safe,” Mom murmurs to him.  
Rich gives me a sad look, before turning to leave. I let out a snarl and launch myself at him. Mama yelps as I pin Rich to the ground. I raise my fist to punch him.  
“Go ahead,” Rich whispers in resignation. “Take it out on me. Just not yourself.”  
I hesitate, which gives Mama time to drag me off him. Mom helps Rich stand and walks him up the stairs.  
“I HATE YOU. DON’T BOTHER COMING BACK EVER!” I scream after him.  
“Honey, you know you don’t hate him,” Mama says.  
“YES I DO. HE TOLD YOU! I CAN’T TRUST HIM!”  
“You might be angry now, but one day you’ll be glad he told us. Let’s get you cleaned up and you can tell me what happened,” Mama replies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for Be More Chill and I would die for Be More Chill, but why do I put my favorite character through so much pain? Oh yeah cuz I'm a horrible person. (Actually I'm an alien. I'm from Pluto. And Gallifrey.) 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	10. Promise Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentioned self harm, kidnapping, fucking Keanu Reeves tic-tac vocaloid motherfucker.  
> random side note, everyone calls SQUIPidoo a "Tic-Tac Anime Super Villain" but think about it... the singing, the hair, the outfits, the Japanese origin... SQUIPyboi is a VOCALOID

RICH POV  
I storm into my house and slam the door. Jake sits up and looks at me, worry filling his gaze.  
“What happened?” Jake asks.  
I start to sob. “He was cutting. I found him bleeding. I told his moms and now he hates me. He told me he hates me,” I cry.  
“Holy Hell. He was cutting?! Jesus. You did the right thing, Rich. He might be angry now, but he’ll thank you for it one day,” Jake says.  
“Jeremy attacked him at school today,” I mention. “Dragged him into an empty classroom and locked the door. Michael refused to tell me what happened, but he had a huge ass hickey on his neck.”  
“You think that’s what set this off?”  
“I saw old scars too. This isn’t something new, but yes. Today was most likely because of him,” I say. “I’m going to find Heere and beat the shit out of him.”  
“Is this a good idea?”  
“Probably not, but I am going to stand up for my boyfriend, even if we aren’t…” I trail off as I realize, Michael probably wants nothing to do with me. He’ll probably properly dump me next time we talk.  
“Just, be careful. Have me on speed dial in case anything happens,” Jake insists.  
“Sure thing.”  
I grab a baseball bat from my garage before leaving my house. I’m walking down the street, to Jeremy’s house. A car passes me, but stops. I pause and eye the car with concern. Two men get out and start walking towards me.  
“Rich Goranski?” one asks.  
“Who’s asking?” I snarl.  
The two men rush at me. I swing the bat, but it’s grabbed and wrenched from my hands.  
“GET OFF ME!” I yell as they grab me.  
A cloth covers my mouth and I go unconscious.

MICHAEL POV  
My moms clean me up, and call a therapist to make an appointment.  
“You need to apologize to Rich,” Mom says. “You really upset him.”  
“I know. I was horrible,” I mutter.  
“Call him, okay?” Mama whispers. “We’ll leave you alone.”  
I dial his number shakily.  
The phone is picked up and someone is laughing.  
I hear Rich in the background, “Who is it?”  
“Hello?” I say. “Rich? I wanted to say so-”  
“Don’t!” Rich cries. “Stop! Michael, hang up right now!”  
“I wouldn’t do that, Michael,” a new voice says.  
“Who are you? This is sketchy. What the hell is going on?” I demand.  
I hear sobs coming from Rich. “I’m sorry. Hang up, Michael. I can’t let you get-”  
There is suddenly a loud noise and Rich lets out a cry.  
“What is going on?”  
The new voice starts talking. “Listen up, Michael Mell. I’m going to use Rich’s phone to send you an address. If you want your precious Rich to live to see tomorrow, you’ll come, alone. No cops or anyone can know where you’re going. Got it?”  
“Don’t hurt him!” I beg.  
“He’ll be fine if you obey. No permanent damage anyway,” the voice laughs.  
“Mi- d-don’t come,” Rich coughs.  
“Shut up, faggot!” the voice yells.  
“Rich, I’m going to get you, okay? You’re gonna be fine,” I soothe.  
“NO!” Rich cries.  
“I’ll send you the address, Michael. Don’t disappoint,” the other says. He pauses before adding, “You might want to bring some Mountain Dew Red.”  
Then he hangs up.  
I grab my keys and my wallet and run upstairs. Mom and Mama immediately stop talking to look at me in concern.  
“Are you going out?” Mama asks.  
“Yes. Rich and I are meeting up at the the mall. He wants to grab some food and talk things out in person,” I lie quickly.  
“I’m proud of you Michael. Stay safe,” Mom says with a smile.  
I nod and head to my car. I wasn’t completely lying. I am meeting Rich, and I am heading to the mall. I drive to Menlo Park Mall. I run into Spencer’s and quickly buy some Red. The employee can see my panic and even gives me a discount. I thank him and run out, back to my car. There’s a text from Rich’s phone. I punch the address into my GPS. It’s an abandoned building not to far. I drive there as fast as I can without catching unwanted attention.  
I get there and bang on the door. It opens to a creepy-ass man with a grim smile.  
“Ah, I’m guessing you’re Michael. Of course I need verification,” the man says. “Rich! Come here, my friend,”  
Rich limps into view. He looks at me, his face is blank.  
“Rich! Are you okay?” I demand.  
“Richard, is this Michael Mell?” the man asks.  
“Never seen him before,” Rich replies, looking at me flatly.  
Suddenly, he cries out in pain. His veins glow blue for a second.  
“Don’t lie, Richard. You know what will happen.”  
“I am Michael. Please don’t hurt him. Leave him alone,” I beg.  
“I’m trying to save you dumbass!” Rich cries.  
The man grins. “Ah, so it is him.”  
“NO! Please!” Rich begs.  
“We don’t want you, Rich. You were simply a pawn to get what we do want,” the man sneers.  
“You want me then? Fine. Let Rich go. Leave him alone,” I snap.  
“Don’t be a martyr, Michael!” Rich snaps. He yelps and blue veins appear once more.  
“You told me it would shock you if you did something wrong,” I mumble, realization dawning on me. I shove the Mountain Dew Red into Rich’s arms. I turn to the man. “Let him go. Please. I’ll take his place. That’s what you want right?”  
“He’s free to go,” the man says. “I’ll even tell you how it will play out. He will drive your car home. Once at your house, he will drink the soda, and his Squip will deactivate. However, the Squip will have already altered his memory. He will not remember anything about where we are or how he got home. The only thing he will know is that his precious boyfriend gave himself up to save him. People will know you’re gone. But no one will know where you are.”  
“Fine. Let me say goodbye to him. Please,” I say.  
“MICHAEL! NO!” Rich screams. Then he’s shouting at nothing. “FUCK YOU! I WON’T STOP CRYING YOU MOTHERFUCKING TIC TAC PIECE OF SHIT!”  
I wrap Rich into my arms and lean down to his ear. “Ignore the Squip. Okay? It’s me. I got you. You’ll be fine. I believe in you. You can do this. Don’t do anything reckless though. Promise me.”  
“Michael, I-”  
“Promise me,” I insist.  
“I promise. But you need to promise me something,” Rich replies.  
“What is it?”  
“Promise me this isn’t goodbye,” Rich pleads.  
I tighten my grip around him before letting go and stepping back. “I’m sorry.”  
“Michael, please. Please! PLEASE MICHAEL, PROMISE ME!” Rich screams.  
“Goodbye, Rich,” I whisper.  
He lets out a wail, before lunging at me. The man stops him.  
“Bring him home. You know the drill,” the man says, and I know he’s talking to the Squip in Rich’s brain.  
Still wailing, Rich takes my car keys from my hands and stumbles out the door.  
He’s out of the building and driving away. I refuse to cry.  
“Who are you and what do you want with me?” I demand, turning to the man.  
“I don’t want anything to do with you. My boss is the one that wants you.”  
“Who the fuck is your boss?”  
“Come along, and I’ll introduce him to you.”  
I reluctantly follow the man deeper into the building. There is a man sitting at a desk. He is typing away on a laptop while talking on the phone.  
“Things will be fine. Trust me,” he pauses. “Of course. Bye.” Then the man hangs up his phone and turns to look at me.  
It’s… Keanu Reeves?  
“What. the. Fuck?” I snap. “You’re Keanu Reeves.”  
“That is my default mode, yes. I don’t understand why you’re surprised, Michael. You’ve seen me before.”  
That dream with Jeremy. FUCK.  
“YOU’RE THE SQUIP? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING JESUS HELL-CHRIST!” I yelp.  
“Calm the dramatics,” the Squip tsks.  
“Why am I here?” I demand.  
“It’s quite simple. Jeremy’s goal is for you to love him. I am programmed to help him meet his goals in whatever way possible,” the Squip explains.  
“And you thinking having me give myself up for my BOYFRIEND is going to help you with his goal?” I snap.  
“If Richard proves to be a problem we can have him eliminated.”  
“NO!”  
“Or, you could cooperate?”  
“I… Fine. I’ll cooperate. Just leave Rich alone, please,” I whimper in resignation. My voice hardens as I continue, “But just because I cooperate doesn’t mean I’ll love him. I will NEVER love him.”  
“You already do,” the Squip points out.  
“Did. Past tense. And I’m not turning back,” I retort.  
“You know, there is such a thing as Stockholm Syndrome,” the Squip sneers.  
“You’re insane,” I spit.  
“He’s here, sir,” someone says walking in the room.  
“Tie up Mr. Mell, and hand him over to Jeremy,” the Squip says.  
I back away from the man who approaches me.  
“Stay away from me, asshole!” I yell.  
“Michael, you said you would cooperate. Do you need me to call Rich back?” the Squip warns.  
I growl, but let the man tie my hands behind my back. He then ties my ankles together so I wouldn’t be able to run.  
“Come along, Mr. Mell,” the man says.  
“Goodbye, Michael. Might as well enjoy yourself because you will be stuck with Jeremy for a while,” the Squip says with a smirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE HATE THE KEANU REEVES RIP OFF. LEAVE MY BABIES ALONE. (Max, you're the one who wrote this shit...) (FML SMH) 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	11. Planning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings I think...  
> "To: CHLOE, BROOKE, DUSTIN, JENNA, CHRISTINE, MADELINE  
> This is Rich. Meet at my house now! It’s an emergency. Life or death.  
> From: CHLOE  
> Life or death is ur wii brokn again?"

RICH POV  
I’m in the PT Cruiser in Michael’s driveway. There is an empty bottle of Mountain Dew Red next to me. I clutch my head, trying to ignore the pain.  
Promise me this isn’t goodbye.  
I’m sorry.  
“FUCK!” I sob.  
I get out of the car, stumble to Michael’s front porch, and bang on the door. His Mama opens the door, looking shocked and very worried.  
“Rich! What’s wrong? Where’s Michael?” his Mama demands.  
His Mom sees me. “Richard? Come in! What happened?”  
They lead me into the living room and sit me on the couch.  
“I wasn’t strong enough,” I sob out. “I should’ve fought harder. I should’ve saved him. This is my fault!”  
“Richard, can you tell me what happened?” Michael’s Mom asks.  
“I was outside, walking. They grabbed me and took me somewhere. He called and I tried to tell him to hang up. To ignore it. He didn’t. They made him trade places with me. I couldn’t stop them,” I cry.  
“Michael was kidnapped?!” His Mama shrieks.  
I nod violently and the tears come faster. “It’s my fault. He gave himself up for me. Why would anyone do that? I’m a horrible person. He’s just so good.”  
“Clara, calm Rich down. I need to call Mr. Heere,” his Mom whispers. She looks at me. “It was Jeremy, wasn’t it?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe? I was on my way to his house to yell at him when they grabbed me,” I say.  
“Even if it wasn’t Jeremy, Mr. Heere needs to know about the party,” his Mom points out.  
She walks out, leaving me with Michael’s Mama.  
“This is my fault,” I mutter.  
“No it’s not, honey. You said yourself you tried to stop him. You couldn’t, but that doesn’t mean it’s your fault,” his Mama soothes.  
“It is. I was the first one to get a Squip. I told Jeremy to get one. That’s what pushed Jeremy off the deep end,” I say.  
“Squip?” his Mama asks.  
“It’s Japanese. Stands for Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor. It’s a pill, but it’s also a super computer that tells you what to do and how to ‘be more chill.’ I’ve had one since the end of Freshman year. Then a few months ago, I told Jeremy about it. He got one too. That’s the reason he hurt Michael. The Squip made him crazy and it’s MY FAULT he got one. It’s my fault that he hurt Michael.”  
“Did Michael ever get one?”  
“No. He knew it was dangerous. That’s why he was at Jake’s party. Jeremy had been completely ignoring him through optic nerve blocking, but Michael wanted to warn Jeremy so he would get rid of the damn thing. That’s when it happened. If I hadn’t told Jeremy about the Squip, Michael wouldn’t have been hurt. Michael wouldn’t have been kidnapped. Michael-”  
“Michael wouldn’t be dating you,” his Mama interrupts. “Would you want him to not pay attention to you? For you to be nobody in his eyes again? Just a bully?”  
“Of course not! But I’d rather him be safe and not in pain, even if it meant giving him up!” I cry.  
“Sometimes we need pain to grow and to find out where we belong. And Michael clearly belongs with you. You need to be brave for him. Maybe this is your fault, and I really wish Michael didn’t have to suffer, but you are good for him, and he wouldn’t have had anything to do with you in any other situation. He needs you.”  
“You’re right. I need to find him. I got to help him,” I declare.  
“Rich, wait,”  
“I have to do this. You can’t talk me out of this.”  
“I know, I just wanted to give you these.” She reaches into her purse and pulls out a stun gun and mace. “Don’t hesitate to use them if it means saving my Michael.”  
“Definitely. Thanks Mrs. Mell!”  
“Call me Clara, honey.”  
“Bye Clara. I’ll bring him back.”  
I run out the door and to my house. I barge in, grab Jake’s phone from his hands, and send messages to some of my friends.  
To: CHLOE, BROOKE, DUSTIN, JENNA, CHRISTINE, MADELINE  
This is Rich. Meet at my house now! It’s an emergency. Life or death.  
From: CHLOE  
Life or death is ur wii brokn again?  
From: CHRISTINE  
Hi Rich! Um, not to be rude, but I don’t really know you that well.  
From: MADELINE  
this better not be a waste of time  
To: CHLOE, BROOKE, DUSTIN, JENNA, CHRISTINE, MADELINE  
Michael was kidnapped and I don’t care if you don’t know him or don’t like him, but we need to find him.  
I toss the phone to Jake just as it rings. He answers it with a confused smile. His grin turns into a frown as the other voice shouts at him. I wait for him to get off.  
“What happened?” “Why not?” “Yeah, I’ll talk to him.” “Yesss I’m at Rich’s.” “Okay, see you.”  
He hangs up and looks at me. “That was Christine. She’s on her way over. She wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong. She only said that you need help. What’s going on, Rich? Why did you need my phone to text Christine?  
“Michael is in trouble. I’ll explain when everyone gets here,” I promise.  
Jake looks confused and worried. I wait. It seems like forever but they all make it.  
“What’s going on, Rich?” Chloe asks when everyone is here.  
“You guys need to know about the party,” I start.  
“Did Jeremy hurt Michael again?!” Jake demands.  
“Jeremy? Is he okay? Wait, what do you mean again?” Christine asks.  
“At the Halloween party before I started the fire, Jeremy and Michael had a fight. Jeremy ended up raping him,” I start.  
“WHAT THE HECK!! You’re kidding! Right?” Christine cries.  
“No. He’s not. Michael is going through a really rough time right now trying to heal,” Jake pipes up.  
“Guys, shut up. Let me tell the story. Jeremy claimed the Squip was controlling him and he blacked out. Michael tried to make things right with Jeremy, but he found out that Jeremy was actually aware of what happened and wanted it to happen. Jeremy assaulted him again at school today.”  
“Wait. When you were looking for him? Is that why he was so scared?” Dustin asks.  
“Stop interrupting,” I snap. “But yes. I went over a sometime after school to hang out with him. I… I found him cutting himself.” There are a few gasps which I ignore to continue. “I told his moms and while they tried to calm him down, I decided I would find Jeremy and basically fuck him up. I got grabbed on my way. Two men knocked me out. I woke up in some creepy ass old building. Long story short, they made Michael exchange himself for me. I’m not positive, but I think Jeremy, or at least his Squip, is behind it. I need you guys to help me find Michael.”  
“I mean, Michael seems like an okay guy, but why do you care so much? Do you really need this drama in your life?” Chloe asks.  
“CHLOE!” Brooke snaps.  
“Rich and Mell are dating. Obviously,” Jenna states matter-of-factly.  
“Yes. We are. If any of you has a problem with that you can go right to hell,” I snarl.  
Silence. Then…  
“That is so romantic!!! Enemies turned lovers! The traumatized, anti-social nobody and the popular, hot fighter go to drastic measures to save each other! When the fighter gets kidnapped, the nobody valiantly gives himself up for his lover. Then the lover brings together a ragtag group of friends to find the evil and destroy it!” Christine sighs.  
Brooke swoons at the thought.  
“Then they have hot sex in Michael’s basement,” Chloe quips.  
“Are you serious, Chloe?” Jake snarls. “Michael got fucking raped! Rich is too sensible and noble to even jokingly suggest anything like that to Michael. Mike was hurt and Rich is actually able to know what boundaries are because he actually thinks about others instead of himself!”  
“And also!” I add. “Can we not just romanticize this and make it all cutesy and fluffy? He’s in danger. This isn’t a fucking game.”  
There’s silence once more. I walk over to the window and look at the PT Cruiser sitting uselessly in Michael’s driveway.  
“You’re… I’m sorry, Rich. That was totally out of line. I’m sorry. And I’m in. I’ll help you find Michael,” Christine says.  
“I’m sorry too. I didn’t think,” Brooke adds. “Of course I’ll help you.”  
“I’ll help you too,” Chloe says, and I know that’s as close to an apology as I will get from her.  
“I can’t go with you physically, but I want to help however I can,” Jake mentions.  
“I’m in. And, Rich, everyone already knows you two are dating, but I’ll keep the kidnapping and the Jeremy shit off the radar,” Jenna, the gossip queen, says slowly.  
“I’m in,” Dustin says. “I’ve always got your back, bro.”  
Madeline just nods.  
“Okay. Plan. We split into three teams. One team will be Jake and whoever is good at hacking or with computers in general. They stay here and track phones.”  
“I’ll do it,” Jenna volunteers. “I’m good at hacking.” Everyone stares at her. “How do you think I get the intel I have?”  
“Jesus Christ okay. Christine and Chloe will come with me, while Dustin will lead Brooke and Madeline,” I say. “Jake, Jenna, you need to track two phones. My phone is where ever I was taken to. I left it there. Dustin will bring his team there. Recon only, Dustin. We need as much information on these people as possible.”  
“Got it, boss,” Dustin replies.  
“The other phone is Michael’s. I’m not positive if he’ll still have it on him, but if he does, it won’t be at the original place,” I say. “My team will be doing the rescuing Michael part.”  
“How do you know there are two different locations?” Jenna asks.  
“I pretended to be unconscious for parts. They said that once the exchange was made, Michael would go with ‘him.’ I fucking hate the pronoun game, but I think it’s Jeremy. Jenna, Jake, start tracking. We’re gonna arm ourselves. Call Christine if you want to get in touch with me,” I say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rich is gonna kick some VOCALOID arse. (I hate me) 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	12. Fight, Flight, or Fail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: violence, manipulation, rape/non-con themes, abuse, pain  
> This is kinda the climax of the plot. That escalated...

MICHAEL POV  
I’m blindfolded before I’m handed over to Jeremy. He grabs my arm gently and leads me around. I hear a car door opening and I’m forced inside the car. Jeremy follows.  
“You know where to take us,” Jeremy says, assumingly to the driver.  
Deep breaths, Michael. At least Rich is safe. That’s all that matters. I let out a small sob.  
“What’s wrong, Michael?” Jeremy asks.  
“Fuck you,” I spit.  
“That’s not nice, Michael,” Jeremy tsks. “Come on, babe. Tell me what’s wrong.”  
I feel his hand on my thigh.  
“Get off!” I snarl, jerking away.  
“Michael, I just want what’s best for you,” Jeremy murmurs, a hand stroking my cheek.  
“What’s best for me? So you kidnap me?!”  
“You wouldn’t have given Rich up on your own. I’m trying to help you get over him so you can be with me.”  
“You’re a fucking psychopath,” I growl.  
“Maybe. But that doesn’t change that fact that I want you and you want me.”  
“I don’t want you. I never will.”  
My seatbelt is unclicked and slid off. Then I’m dragged into Jeremy’s lap. I struggle, but his grip is tight. The blindfold is dragged away from my eyes and he’s the first thing I see. I turn my head away.  
“Is that how you want to play?” Jeremy coos.  
His lips attach to my neck and I struggle to get away to no avail. His hands travel from my waist to my ass, squeezing it tightly. I let out a gasp which makes Jeremy chuckle.  
“Stop,” I beg.  
Jeremy yanks me closer towards his body, so I can feel his erection against my ass.  
“See what you do to me, Michael? How hard you make me?” Jeremy purrs.  
“Let me go!”  
He ignores me. Instead, he forces me to grind down on him. He pants in my ear.  
“Kiss me, Micah,” Jeremy commands breathlessly.  
I shudder at the nickname, but refuse to obey.  
“Let me go.”  
“If you kiss me, I’ll make things easier for you. If you obey, I’ll even let you see Rich. Come on, Micah.”  
I barely pause before crashing my lips to his. He smirks and kisses me back. Our lips move together, mine desperate and nervous, his persistent and forceful.  
He finally pulls away, with a crooked smile reminding me of the old Jeremy.  
“I love you,” he whispers.  
“When can I talk to Rich?” I ask, looking away.  
One of his hands leave my ass to strike my face. I cry out in pain. He glares at me and I flinch.  
“I said I love you and you want to talk about Rich? He is nothing to us,” Jeremy sneers. “Now tell me you love me back.”  
“I don’t,” I reply. “You told me I would be able to talk to Rich if I kissed you. I did.”  
“I said you could see him. No interaction. I was going to let you watch from a distance. But I don’t know if that’s a good idea anymore.”  
“You liar!” I scream.  
“Calm down, baby. If you act up, you’ll be punished, and we don’t want that, do we?”  
“Why me?” I ask.  
“Because I love you. I thought that was obvious.”  
“Until the party, I was nothing. You only cared about Christine and popularity. Why am I such a big deal now?”  
Jeremy chuckles. “If I untie you, do you promise not to fight?”  
“What?” I hesitate. “Fine. Sure. I won’t fight you.”  
Jeremy unties my hands and ankles, adjusting me so I’m more comfortably straddling him.  
“Here’s how it works. I will let you see Rich and I will let you have a phone conversation with him if you earn it. I need you to be good if you want to earn it,” Jeremy says.  
I nod immediately. “Deal. I’ll do whatever you want.”  
He smiles. “That’s what I like to hear. I want you to kiss me again, Micah. This time, I want you to touch me too. I want to feel your hands on me.”  
I nod and lean in, but he stops me.  
“What?” I ask.  
“I need you to know that you belong to me,” Jeremy says. He takes out a collar and clicks it around my neck. It feels heavy. Wrong. I tug at it and it releases a shock, causing me to yelp. “It has to be taken off with a key, or it will shock you. I can shock you whenever you disobey too. So be good for me, Micah. Now you can kiss me. Touch me.”  
I hesitate. Rich. I remind myself. I lean in and kiss Jeremy hard. He moans in delight and kisses me back, just as intensely. He taps my wrists, reminding me to touch him. I ignore the fact that my hands are shaking. One hand tangles in his hair while the other hand slips under his shirt, massaging his stomach.  
“Good boy, Micah,” he whispers, separating our mouths for a moment.  
He gazes at me, before diving back in with more ferociousness and passion. He starts grinding against my ass again. I try to ignore it. Think about Rich. He suddenly spanks me and I end up tugging his hair. He moans into my mouth. As we kiss, I try to please him, running my hand up and down his chest, while the other hand grips his hair. He seems pleased with me, whimpering “Micah” and “so good” over and over into our kiss.  
The door to the car suddenly opens. Jeremy pushes me back, but not off him, exasperated. I retract my hands and ball the into fists, watching them curl in embarrassment.  
His eyes don’t leave me as he says, “Don’t bother me. I’m busy.”  
“Get the hell out.”  
I jolt up to see Rich. Jeremy lets out a groan.  
“We shouldn’t have let you go. I knew you wouldn’t give up,” Jeremy sneers.  
“Rich!” I cry. I try to get out, but Jeremy tightens his grip on me, refusing to let me go.  
Rich’s eyes are cold as he looks at me, and I can see the hurt he’s trying to hide. God it probably looked like I wanted that.  
“Let him go, Heere,” Rich growls. “We took down your friends so it’s just you now.”  
“We?” Jeremy asks.  
“Fuck yeah, we!” Someone else says from behind Rich.  
“Chloe?!” Jeremy is shocked.  
“Get out of the car, Jeremy. Let Michael go and get out,” Rich says.  
“Let’s see who Michael wants to go with,” Jeremy says.  
He plays with the collar as a warning. I glance at him. He looks at me, then at Rich, tightening his grip around my neck the slightest bit. His eyes hold meaning. He will hurt Rich if I don’t do this.  
“Rich, thanks for everything, but I’m gonna stay,” I whisper.  
Rich looks like he’s been slapped. “Wow. Okay. I guess I’ll just leave them.”  
“No! You can’t accept this, Rich! He’s obviously manipulating Michael into saying that!” Chloe snarls.  
She pushes past Rich, reaches into the car, and yanks Jeremy out from under me. I climb out of the car and watch as Chloe throws Jeremy to the ground, kicking him. An arm wraps around me. I look up.  
“Christine?!” I cry.  
“Are you okay?” She asks softly.  
I shake my head.  
“It looked like you were okay when you were making out with Heere and feeling him up,” Rich spits.  
I flinch at his anger. “Rich, please you don’t understand.”  
“What don’t I understand? You were pretty into that kiss. You chose him too. I can see what’s going on,” Rich sneers.  
“I just want you to be safe okay?! He was using you to threaten me!” I cry. “I would never-”  
My speech is interrupted by a burning sensation filling my body. I collapse on the ground, writhing and screaming. I claw at the collar, knowing it’s the source, but it only makes that worse.  
“Michael!” Voices are merging together in my ears.  
Someone holds me close and I sob.  
“Back away or I’ll increase the pain,” someone says.  
The person holding me lets go of me and I flail wildly, trying to find the comfort again.  
“Stop!” I wail. “I’ll do what you say! I’ll do anything please just make it stop!”  
“Whatever you’re doing, Jeremy, you need to end it.”  
With that, the pain is gone. I shiver and sob on the ground, miserable, but the pain has disappeared momentarily.  
“Stand up, Michael,” Jeremy says softly. I obey shakily. “Come here.”  
I do, refusing to look up at the shocked faces of the girls and Rich as Jeremy wraps an arm around my waist.  
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.  
“You will stay away from us. You will stop coming after us. You will not tell anyone that he is with me. You mind your own business and stay away from us,” Jeremy instructs.  
“What happened to you, Jeremy?” Christine asks softly. I look at her as she continues to talk. “He’s your best friend. Can’t you see how much you’re hurting him? You were such a good person. Where did that Jeremy go? Why are you doing this to Michael?”  
“Because I love him and he needs to learn he’s better off with me,” Jeremy replies.  
“If you really love him, you would let him make his own choices. You would let him go to you in his own time,” Christine says.  
“But he doesn’t realize yet that he needs me. He doesn’t know that he loves me yet,” Jeremy protests.  
“He never will love you if you do this to him. Michael is his own person. He needs to make his own choices,” Christine presses.  
“I’ll make him love me. He will love. He has to,” Jeremy growls.  
“Jeremy, this isn’t right,” Christine says. “You know this.”  
“Want to know what isn’t right? Michael going out with the short asshole who tormented both of us for years! He doesn’t deserve forgiveness from Michael! Michael is weak for letting Rich into his heart! Nobody will ever understand Michael the way I do. Even Michael doesn’t understand himself. He is only pretending to like Rich out of pity and the fear of facing his true feelings. Michael loves me!” Jeremy screams.  
“Michael, what do you think?” Christine asks.  
My eyes widen in fear. I shake my head desperately.  
“Michael isn’t in his right mind right now. He’s been manipulated by Rich too much to think clearly. He can’t answer,” Jeremy snaps.  
“I think-” I’m cut off by a wave of pain caused by the collar.  
I collapse into Jeremy who in turn scoops me up.  
“It looks like Michael is too tired to talk. We better go home. Goodbye,” Jeremy says brightly.  
“G-get off m-m-me!” I sob.  
“Jeremy, this is abusive. You need to put Michael down and stop hurting him. Take the collar off. Okay?” Christine says, still trying to remain calm and be the voice of reason.  
The pain stops. I sigh in relief. But Jeremy puts me in the car, buckling my seatbelt.  
“Don’t follow us. I will kill you if I have to. I won’t let anyone get in the way of our love,” Jeremy hisses.  
Suddenly, sirens ring out, nearing our location. Jeremy pales.  
“Jeremy, you made it a little too easy. We called the cops right before we confronted you. And Chloe got this whole thing on film. So have fun trying to explain everything,” Rich says.  
“If I can't have Michael, no one can,” Jeremy says.  
The pain is back. I scream out and writhe. My skin crawls and I just want to die. I can’t stand the pain.  
I hear someone else scream and manage to open my bleary eyes to see Jeremy pointing a gun at me.  
“Do it. End my pain,” I sob.  
There’s a blur, then a shot rings out. More pain. Then the cold, unfeeling darkness of the void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened. What do y'all think? 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	13. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings, but light angst in this chapter. I love the moms.

I wake up to beeping. Hospitals are officially my least favorite places in the universe. I open my eyes and tense at the pain. My arm is in a sling and my shoulder is bandaged tightly. Right. Jeremy shot me. Great. I just feel weak and awful. I look around with blurry eyes. A Rich-shaped figure is asleep in the chair next to my bed. I smile sadly. After everything I put him through, he is here?  
Mama walks in talking to someone behind her. I close my eyes so I can eavesdrop.  
“Who’s that?” a man asks.  
I stiffen slightly as I recognize the voice as Mr. Heere’s.  
“That’s Rich. He’s dating Michael. He hasn’t left Michael’s side since he got admitted. We’ve been bringing him food and treats. Poor kid blames himself for everything that happened to Michael,” Mama says.  
Rich blames himself? I didn’t know that. Why would he?  
“It’s not the kid’s fault. It’s Jeremy’s fault as well as mine for not looking out for him. I wasn’t a good enough father for him,” Mr. Heere says softly.  
“Enough with the blame game. It isn’t your fault,” Mama insists.  
“How is Michael doing?”  
“I don’t know. He was almost dead. They had to restart his heart. Between all those shocks and the bullet, his body is traumatized. He might be in a coma for the rest of his life. He might never wake up,” Mama murmurs, and I can tell she’s crying.  
I decide to speak up. Without opening my eyes, I say, “He might be awake and eavesdropping.” Mama gasps. I add, “He might be super sore.” Mr. Heere lets out a choked laugh. I open my eyes and look at Mama with a weak smile. “Hi, Mama.”  
I reach for my glasses and put them on so I can see her.  
“Michael! My baby! Are you okay?” She cries. “Let me call your Mom! I’m so happy! I thought I lost you!”  
“‘M sorry, Mama,” I whisper.  
“Don’t you dare apologize. I am furious at you for doing that without telling us, but… you did a very noble thing and I’m proud of you. Just never do it again,” Mama sobs. “I’ll be right back once I call Alyssa.”  
She walks out and Mr. Heere looks at me.  
“I’m glad you’re awake, Michael. I wanted to say-”  
I cut him off. “If you’re going to apologize, don’t. It is not your fault that he did that. It isn’t your fault, nor is it Rich’s. No one should take credit for his actions.”  
“He’s in jail. The video Chloe Valentine shot as well as the testimonies of your friends and mothers put him away for a long time,” Mr. Heere says.  
“That must be hard. Are you okay?” I ask.  
“I should be asking you that. I feel like I failed Jeremy as a father, but what he did was wrong and he shouldn’t be able to hurt you anymore. It’s for the best,” he says. He shudders out a sob. “After his mother left, I wasn’t able to shape up. And now he’s in jail because I couldn’t help him. I’m alone.”  
“It isn’t your fault, Mr. Heere. And you’re not alone. You’re always welcome at the Mell household!” I say.  
“Thanks, Michael. You’re a good kid. I’m glad you’re awake.”  
“Thanks.”  
Mr. Heere smiles sadly at me and walks out.  
I’m in the quiet once more, then only sound is the beeping of the heart monitor. I watch Rich as he sleeps, concern and sadness stirring my thoughts.  
I glance away and see a bear on the bedside table. I grab it and read the note attached. Hope you get better Mikey! We’re all rooting for you! ~Jakey D  
I smile at the bear, give it a squeeze, then launch it at Rich’s face to wake him up. It hits him right on the nose and he jolts awake.  
“What the flying fuck?!” Rich gasps.  
He calms down, returning to his seat. He glances over at me and does a double take.  
“Hi,” I say with a small smile.  
“Jesus fucking Christ. You make me sick with worry, make many incredibly stupid decisions, almost die, are in a coma for a month, and all you say when you wake up is hi?” Rich snaps.  
He looks away in frustration and I can see the tears streaming down his face.  
“A month?”  
“Yes, a month.”  
“Mama said you never left my side. Did you just skip school for a month?!”  
He looks at me in confusion, then realization hits. “No, uh… school is closed. After the police came and arrested Jeremy, the Squip and his goons destroyed the school. Most people have been taking classes online but it’s not mandatory. You are more important than school anyway.”  
“Come here,” I say.  
“Not happening. I’m extremely pissed at you,” Rich huffs.  
I pout, giving him my best puppy dog eyes. “Pwease?” I beg.  
“You’re so lucky you’re cute. Jesus Christ you’ll be the death of me,” Rich groans, sitting on the side of my bed.  
I hold out my healthy hand and he takes it.  
“I’m sorry I hurt you. Before you got there, he told me he would let me see you and talk to you over the phone if I obeyed him and behaved. He wanted me to kiss him so I did. I didn’t stop thinking about you. And the Squip threatened to hurt you if I didn’t cooperate. I wanted you to be safe. I don’t want anything to happen to you. Ever.”  
“Michael, you’re too fucking noble for your own good. Do you ever think about yourself?” Rich sighs.  
“I’m not noble. I just want to keep you safe. I… I love you,” I murmur.  
Rich looks at me with shock on his face. Tears start to trickle out of his eyes. “I love you too, Mikey. I really do.”  
“Kiss me?” I ask.  
“I want to. I really do, but you’re injured Michael,” he says.  
“I want you. The last person to kiss me was him. I want to replace that memory with you,” I whisper.  
“God, Michael. You make it so hard to control myself. I have a tough guy image to uphold,” he teases.  
“Is that a yes?”  
He hesitates, then shakes his head. “I can’t. You’re injured. Besides, Heidi would kill me, and I don’t feel like dying today.”  
I pout.  
Mama walks in again. “Your Mom will be here soon,” she says. She pauses then adds, “What happened? Why are you sulking?”  
“Rich won’t kiss me,” I grumble.  
“Good boy,” Mama says to Rich.  
Rich grins. “It’s hard to resist that face, but he needs to heal and I know Heidi would kick my ass.”  
Mama lets out a loud laugh.  
“Et tu, Mama?” I say.  
“Oh calm down, little one. He’s a good one. Definitely a keeper. I support you both wholeheartedly.”  
“Can’t wait for the wedding. I’m best man, right?” Jake says as he walks into the room.  
“Look at those legs!” I cheer.  
I glance at Rich who turned bright red at Jake’s statement.  
Jake gives a little spin, showing off his healed legs.  
“I was coming by to check on Rich, and now I get two for one! I’m glad you’re awake, man. We were all worried about…” Jake trails off, eyebrows furrowing.  
“Jake?” I ask tentatively.  
“Why is my bear on the floor?” Jake demands teasingly. “That bear was a priceless get well gift and it’s now all the way across the room.”  
I laugh sheepishly. “I… uh kinda threw it at Rich’s face to wake him up.”  
“Oh! That makes a lot of sense,” Rich says.  
Jake lets out a chuckle. “Well if it was used as a projectile aimed at Rich, I forgive you.”  
“Wow. I’m hurt,” Rich says, sticking his tongue out at Jake.  
“Michael is probably tired. Thank you for coming, but I don’t think he should have visitors right now,” Mama interrupts.  
Jake nods. “Okay! Bye Mrs. Mell! Seeya later, Michael!”  
Rich starts to stand, but I grab his hand.  
“No, Richard. You aren’t leaving his side. Michael needs you right now,” Mama says.  
I nod with a smile. Rich smiles back and sits back down on the bed.  
“Thanks, Mama,” I say.  
“No problem, love,” is her reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jake is the bestest man. No doubt. And Rich is such a softie. 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


	14. Hope and Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: insensitive condom giving, start of panic attack, sex (but consensual this time).  
> Well, I hope this wraps things up...

I’m released from the hospital on my birthday. Great way to celebrate my 18th year of living. Mom and Mama chatter as they drive me home. I’m kind of bummed. It was already 4 o’clock and Rich hadn’t even so much as texted me. In fact, only my Warcraft friends sent me “happy birthday” messages.  
“What’s wrong honey? Why are you frowning?” Mama asks.  
“It’s stupid,” I grumble. “Rich didn’t even text me today.”  
“He’s probably busy,” Mama says brushing it off.  
I sigh. Well maybe, but if that’s why, it hurts even more.  
We pull into the driveway and Mom helps me out of the car and into the house.  
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!”  
I stare in surprise at my peers and family friends who stand in the living room under a big banner reading “Welcome home and happy b-day!”  
I smile. “Thank you!” I cry.  
Jake greets me first, followed by Jenna, Dustin, Christine, Brooke, Madeline, Chloe, even Mr. Heere. After all the hugs and thank yous, there was one last person hanging back.  
“Rich!” I cheer as he finally makes his way over to me.  
“I’m glad you’re home, Mikey. Happy birthday.”  
“Since I’m no longer in the hospital, will you kiss me now?” I ask slyly.  
He gives me this shit-eating grin before pulling me down to him and giving me a gentle kiss, filled with love and longing.  
He pulls away and I whine out a complaint.  
“We’ll have more time to kiss later. I’m staying the night,” Rich promises.  
I brighten up. With that in mind, I survive the party. Eventually everyone leaves and Rich and I grab my presents and carry them downstairs.  
“What should I open first?” I ask Rich.  
“Mine should be saved. Save the best for last, you know,” Rich teases.  
“Okay,” I giggle.  
I pull a small package wrapped with Superman wrapping paper. I grab the card and read it. Yo Michael! You are a legend and we all love you (mostly Rich haha). You’re a great guy and I’ve got your back always. Happy birthday my man! ~The Jakester  
I open the package. It’s a few pairs of socks. Weed socks, pride socks, and Nintendo socks. I smile and glance up at Rich. He’s playing on his phone. He clearly doesn’t care about presents if it isn’t his own. I smirk, then move to a plain, brown package. I open the envelope and slide out the card. Something else is in the envelope though. I reach in and pull it out. It’s a condom. I let out a choked gasp. What kind of ASSHOLE would give me this with the circumstances?  
“Mikey? You okay?” Rich asks cautiously.  
“Some jerk fucking gave me a condom. Thought that would be funny,” I spit, trying to hold back tears.  
“Sicko. Who did it?” Rich demands.  
“Didn’t read the letter yet. Give me a sec,” I reply angrily.  
Hi Michael. It’s a bit insensitive to give you a condom, I know, but I want you and Rich to be safe and all that shit. He’s good for you. I can see that now. I’m on medication now and I’ve had a lot of time to think. Part of me wants to blame the Squip, but I have to accept that I was the one who fucked up. I really hurt you, Michael. I can never forgive myself for that. Nor do I want you to forgive me for that. I don’t think you realize how amazing you are. Rich does. Like I said, he’s good for you. Don’t let him go. I’m glad you’re safe. I’m glad I’m in prison. I deserve this. I think this is for the best. I will always regret what I did to you. I do love you, and I hate myself for hurting you like that. I want to say sorry for everything. I don’t expect or want forgiveness but I am so sorry for putting you through that. I know Rich blames himself. You have to make him see it’s not his fault. It’s all mine. Just, have a good life Michael. You have a lot of people who care. Your friend, Jeremy.  
I feel tears dripping down my face.  
“Well? Who was the dick that gave you a condom?” Rich asks.  
“Jeremy,” I whisper.  
“WHAT?!” Rich roars.  
I pull Rich towards me and hug him. He hesitantly hugs me back.  
When we pull apart, I hand him Jeremy’s letter to read as I unwrap the box. In it is his blue cardigan.  
“Michael, are you okay?” Rich asks, finishing the letter.  
I look at him and nod. “Yeah, just… pensive.”  
“Hey! You should open my gift now!” Rich says quickly.  
I smile as he hands me a badly wrapped package. As usual, I open the card first.  
Mikey, you’ve made it to 18 and I know that’s more of a feat for you than for others. I am so proud of you. You are amazing and strong and beautiful and you’ve made me into such a sap. I love you. Keep fighting. I’ll always be fighting right next to you. I’ll always have your back. Unless we’re playing Smash then I’ll be beating your sorry ass. I love you so much, baby. I was going to be sappy and write a bunch of poetic shit, but I won’t give you the satisfaction. Your head is big enough already. Happy Birthday! Love, The Great Rich Goranski. P.S. You called me that in the hospital the first time. Don’t deny it. No take backs.  
I smile fondly at Rich. “Sap,” I tease.  
“You love me,” he replies.  
“That I do,” I reply.  
I open the package and pull out a red muscle tee. I roll my eyes.  
“Turn it around and read what it says,” Rich says with a smirk.  
“Jesus,” I sigh, but I obey.  
On the front, it says “I’m with stupid” over a picture of Rich’s face.  
“So? Do you like it?” Rich asks with a grin.  
“You’re such an idiot. But, yeah. I love it,” I say.  
“Knew you would!” Rich replies.  
“Come here, you,” I whisper.  
He saunters over and I put down the shirt. I draw him to me and kiss him. I think… no, I know, I’m ready for this. I flick my tongue across his lips and he automatically parts his lips for me. I explore his mouth with my tongue and he lets out a little gasp. I pull him flush against me and continue to kiss him. I feel something harden against my thigh. Rich grinds against my thigh, then realizes what he’s doing and pulls away from me. He begins to pace around the basement, refusing to look at me.  
“God, Michael, I’m sorry I didn’t think. I shouldn’t have done that. You’re healing and God I’m an ass,” Rich rambles.  
“Rich, calm down,” I murmur. “I want this. If you do, anyway.”  
He finally looks at me, eyes wide with confusion and shock. He nervously swipes his tongue over his lips.  
“What do you mean you want this?” Rich asks.  
“I want everything. I want sex. I want you inside me. I’m ready, Rich,” I whisper.  
“I don’t know. What if you think you are but you’re not?” Rich says.  
“We go slow. If it gets to be too much, I’ll tell you, okay?” I soothe.  
“Christ Mikey, I want to. God I really want to. I’m just worried that it’s too soon.”  
“Don’t worry. Just love me,” I say.  
Rich eyes me skeptically. “Are you sure?”  
“Yes,” I reply. “I need you.”  
He steps towards me slowly, before pulling me down into a passionate kiss. I pull him to my bed, separating our lips to remove my shirt, then Rich’s. Our lips meet again and he gently pushes me onto my back.  
“You have to talk to me, okay Mikey? I need you to tell me as soon as you feel uncomfortable or want to stop,” Rich instructs softly.  
“I will,” I reply.  
Rich’s hands trail down my arms before he moves his lips down to the scarred tattoo. He kisses the scars on my arm, and I watch him in awe. He loves me with all my scars and faults.  
He moves his lips back to my shoulder, then to my neck, then back to my lips. I respond to his kiss, even more eagerly. I stroke his chest and brush my thumbs over his nipples. He gasps and I’m falling apart from just that sound.  
My hands go to his jeans and I fumble the button open, pulling down his jeans and his boxers. Rich kicks them off all the way before proceeding to get rid of my pants. I’m normally very self conscious of my body. I have a mediocre body, with a little chub, and looking at Rich who may be short, but has the build of a god, well, I feel uncomfortable. I’m super unattractive next to him. But the way Rich’s eyes hungrily roam my body makes me feel desired.  
“Christ, Mikey, you’re gorgeous,” Rich murmurs.  
“Says the Greek god,” I retort. “I’m not gorgeous. Never was, never will be.”  
Rich stares at me for a moment. “You really don’t see how fucking sexy you are? How beautiful you are?”  
“I can’t see what’s not there,” I say chuckling awkwardly, looking away.  
“Michael Mell, you are gorgeous. I am dating a piece of art,” Rich says.  
“More like a piece of shit,” I joke.  
“Michael, you are beautiful,” Rich insists.  
He ducks his head down and nibbles along my jaw. My breath hitches and I jerk my hips up. His mouth goes from my jaw to my neck to my collarbone. Down my chest, then my stomach. My waist. He gives my hip a gentle nip. A finger traces the base of my cock. I buck my hips, seeking contact. He blows on the head and I shiver.  
“Rich! Please! Touch me!” I beg.  
“You are beautiful, Michael Mell. And I am so in love with you.”  
Then his mouth engulfs my cock and I cry out as he starts bobbing his head.  
“S-so good!” I sob.  
Then he pulls off with a pop and I whine.  
“You said you want me inside you. Do you still want that?” Rich asks gently.  
“Yes yes! Hurry up!” I beg.  
“Do you have lube or lotion or something?” Rich asks.  
“Bed stand top drawer,” I gasp.  
Rich goes to fetch the lube and I press my palm down on my aching cock, before starting to jerk myself off in quick twists of my wrist. Rich returns with the lube and he pulls my hand off myself before pressing a soft kiss to the tip of my cock.  
“Spread your legs for me, sweetheart,” Rich murmurs.  
I obey eagerly. Rich’s lubed finger traces around my entrance before slowly pushing in. He swirls the finger around, his other hand soothingly rubbing my hip.  
Suddenly panic flairs in my chest. “Rich!”  
“Yes darling?”  
I’m shaking and softly crying, but I don’t think he has realized yet.  
“I’m scared,” I whisper.  
He pauses, finally noticing my discomfort. “Fuck, Michael!” He pulls his finger out, wipes it on the bed, then moves up next to me and pulls me into his chest.  
“I’m sorry. I thought I was ready, I really did I’m sorry,” I sob softly. “It was great. I loved it. Just until you started to finger me. I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t you dare apologize. Just let me hold you. You should always feel comfortable. Don’t ever be afraid to tell me to stop,” Rich soothes.  
“I still want you. I’m just not okay with penetration yet,” I admit.  
“Of course baby. Whatever you want okay? We can build up to it or never do it at all. I don’t want to do anything you aren’t fully okay with,” Rich soothes. “It’s our first time, anyway. We shouldn’t rush things.”  
“C-can you…” I trail off in embarrassment.  
“What is it? You’re blushing like crazy,” Rich teases gently.  
“Blow me?” I murmur. “I’m still hard. Still want you.”  
His eyes widen, then he gives me a soft smile. “Anything for my Princess Peach.”  
Before I can even complain about the lame nickname, he jerks my cock roughly and I cry out in pleasure. He moves down and laps at the precome beading at the tip.  
I lace my fingers through his hair. He grins up at me before taking me in his mouth. I can’t stop my hips from bucking into his mouth. He moves his hands to hold my hips firmly to the mattress.  
I learn fairly quickly that Rich doesn’t have a gag reflex, and he makes the most of it. I moan and throw my head back as I’m thrown into immense pleasure.  
“Rich! I can’t! I’m gonna!” I gasp out.  
His only reaction is to suck harder until I’m cumming in his mouth. I watch in hazy astonishment as he swallows it with a small smirk.  
“How was that, beautiful?” Rich asks in a low voice.  
“Perfect,” I purr once I’ve caught my breath. “Let me return the favor.”  
“This was about you. Not me. It’s your birthday after all. Not mine,” Rich immediately says. He’s blushing.  
I glance down and see why he’s so embarrassed. He came already. I didn’t have to even touch him?  
“Did you really enjoy that so much that you came just from sucking me?” I ask.  
Rich’s face darkens even further. “You’re fucking hot as hell, Mike.”  
“Oh. Thanks?”  
“Take a compliment, dumbass,” Rich teases.  
I smile and lean into him.  
“Nope. Shower first. Then cuddles,” Rich insists, standing up.  
I begrudgingly stand and we head to my bathroom. As he starts the shower, I watch him fondly.  
“I love you.”  
He smiles as his eyes meet mine. “Love you too, asshole. Now get in the fucking shower.”

We shower and kiss, and afterwards, we cuddle in my bed. With Rich in my arms, I’ve finally found a place to belong. And although it was hell getting here, I know this is where I’m meant to be. And I couldn’t be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have finally made it to the end. I hope you guys liked it. It was a roller coaster writing this, but I enjoyed it. I hope y'all did too. 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection. Thanks for hanging in there! Love you all! (Even though I don't know you) (Shut up, Max) (Stop bothering me, voice) (of the voices in my head, the loudest one is mine) (but he's still an asshole)

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if you like this! 1 Kudos= a quarter put away in my transition fun. 1 Comment= a depressed, trans Walmart employee feeling human connection.


End file.
